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"I'm sending you all to the planet to investigate. No one can just kill a fellow agent and get away with it."

—M^[src]

"Me-sa always wanted to visit Ryloth, but not for dis reason."

—Gruu Funkistann^[src]

From Ryloth With Love was the first of the series, a mere 628 posts, which would go on to set up our fine tradition of action, adventure, and humor. And completely nonsensical plots (note: this is humor).

Contents 1 Our Heroes Meet, and Largely Ignore Each Other 2 Touchdown on the Planet of Strange Light Cycles 3 The Fortress of Moderate Peril 4 The Final Tally

[edit] Our Heroes Meet, and Largely Ignore Each Other

Our story begins at MI5 Headquarters, after an agent turns up dead on Ryloth. MI5 is composed of nothing but the finest tactical geniuses the Core has to offer. Here, we are introduced to our cast of throw-away characters.

• AMP: An HK 47-like assassin droid
• Kip Locia: Special-ops expert
• Raine Yubari: Beautifully desirable traitor female assassin, although completely inconsequential

Then we have our recurring characters:

• Markus Carfax
• Gruu Funkistann (Jedi Count: 1)
• Detective Hardcastle
• Sounil Mistry
• Noir Lumiere

After receiving word of the agent's demise, and the fact that his body was shipped home in a crate, the agents each receive the token information folder, marked For Your Eyes Only. The agents kick of a grand tradition of completely ignoring the briefing and bickering with each other.

Meanwhile, our Big Bad, known only as "The Baron" sends a Kill-On-Sight order to his henchmen.

Markus, Sounil, and Hardcastle decide to all go to the medlab to take a look at the dead agent. Surprisingly, the agent stunk strongly of Rycrit dung. Noir Lumiere showed up and found traces of ryll powder that had been stuffed up his nose. They then realized he'd been tortured as well, which kindled their fury to new heights.

We then get introduced to Jaren Ytryluun, possessor of an unpronounceable last name and covert Jedi abilities (Jedi Count: 2).

Souil, Markus and Hardcastle then board the Last Bolt, a large starship of some relation to Darth Maul's Scimitar although appearing nearly ten years prior. Meanwhile, we are introduced to the first of the Expendable Mon Calamari (or EMC): Kalnar Omana, currently sleeping his way through Ryloth.

Our agents then proceed to engage in the time-honored dance of the Transport Shuffle. As only 1/3 of the agency owns and operates vessels, the other 2/3s must find ways to get aboard those vessels.

[edit] Touchdown on the Planet of Strange Light Cycles

In orbit over Ryloth, we then find our heroes engaged in a pissing contest, as Kalnar attempts to get his sleaze on, only to be blocked by AMP and Noir. When the Last Bolt emerges from hyperspace and nearly collides with the squabbling ships, the fight becomes a three-way. Professionals to the end, they yelled, took potshots and threatened each other with destruction.

Plans are made, inspirational speeches are given, and Kalnar proceeds to give one hell of an infodump as he attempts to direct the operation with his "contacts". The Last Bolt reveals one of its many powerful features as it launches a pair of probe droids to track down a DNA sample found on the dead agent. Noir nearly runs over one of the probes. Meanwhile Kalnar learns a very important lesson in fidelity as he finds himself face to face with an angry Pam Rocker, who surprisingly is important enough to merit her own article. Pam's temper flares, then quickly dies down as she kisses the fish, who's currently looking for vehicles and information.

Elsewhere, The Baron dispatches his henchman Woosta to dispatch the agents that have made it planetside. Raine shows up, and does something completely irrelevant.

The agents make for the Hotel Ryloth. The probes manage to find Woosta, who promptly flees the scene (after having lead them to the estate). Hardcastle dispatches our two Jedi to retrieve the individual, leaving one probe to monitor the estate while two more pursue Woosta. Meanwhile, "Senator" Markus's forged identification gets them checked into an Imperial Suite, along with his "head of security" and "secretary".

Basking in the afterglow, Kalnar takes the opportunity to remind us that he is a master of stalking, a fact any of his romantic conquests can attest to. The master of infiltration then draws a blank, and calls Hardcastle to ask for instructions. Unfortunately, Hardcastle has nothing, and is currently preoccupied with the fact that Woosta is shooting down one of his probes (and they aren't exactly replaceable). He decides to call Sounil, who tells him to expand his contact base. Meanwhile, Markus competently forged them some brand-new IDs. The new plan was to scrounge amongst their criminal contacts. But first, a feast. Camaraderie and food-stealing ensued, as Sounil discovered that Dewback steaks were absolutely delicious.

The trio took a stroll to a back-alley bar near the spaceport. There, Markus ran across an old "friend", a mottled green Twi'lek named Tyrell (who was responsible for a rather unpleasant incident involving some forged documents and a Hutt kajidic). After some threatening, Tyrell coughed up the identity of the Baron and revealed the location of his castle. Then... ASSASSIN DROIDS ATTACK! Noir used a quarter of the weaponry in the "Big Book of Blasters" on the HK-50s and the team escaped down some tunnels that were conveniently owned by a friend of the alien (after the two spoke backwards to each other). Navigating through the tunnels, Markus lead the team to an area occupied by Q'u branch. Technology ensues, and the team arms itself with lightsaber comlinks, exploding lighters, and anti-droid blasters. They exit the facility and reach the marketplace. Then... ASSASSIN DROIDS ATTACK! We are introduced to the enigmatic Zen Ford, a Jedi with absolutely no description whatsoever (Jedi Count: 3). One quick burst from Markus's anti-droid gun, and it's lights out for the pursuers.

Elsewhere, Kalnar disguised himself and went looking for Twi'lek slavegirls. Business, of course. Knocking out a valet, he stole the uniform and managed to find a rich human slythmonger. After parking the speeder, he attached a homing device and waited for the man to do something. Hardcastle told Zen, Markus, Sounil and Noir to meet up with the agent, and Kalnar took the opportunity to let his thought processes remind the audience that he was still a complete and total slimeball. Pam takes a break from crying her eyes out to set the team up with some speeders and they head for the castle. More bickering ensues as the agents realize that none of them have any skill with the stealth thing.

[edit] The Fortress of Moderate Peril

The Baron takes the opportunity to remind us that he still breathes, and is working on an evil spice-running plan. Zen Ford joins up with Hardcastle aboard the Last Bolt

As Noir is late to the party, he borrows at T-16 from Pam and makes to join the rest of team. But before he leaves, he reminds Pam that Kalnar is scum. Trust me, this will be much funnier later on. He joins the team, and they decide to talk their way into the castle. Then they decide to sneak their way into the castle. Then they decide to fight their way in. Markus wanders up to the front door, knees a guard in the groin, and took the guard booth hostage. Sounil meanwhile pulls a lightsaber and proceeds to start cutting through the main door. Impersonating a guard, Markus tries to deceive the higher-ups. Unfortunately, he was impersonating a female guard. Sounil proceeds to cut through the doorway, and the team quickly clears out.

Meanwhile, Woosta had successfully downed one of the pursuing drones and alerted his boss to their presence as the Jedi duo made landfall. Gruu and Jaren proceed to hoof it across the planet. They eventually manage to catch up with Woosta, who pulls out a lightsaber. Oops, he is also a Sith (Jedi Count: 4). The remaining probe sends an alert to Hardcastle, who quickly informs everyone else.

Back at the castle, Kalnar climbs to the roof and kills a few guards. Noir Lumiere then decides to reveal a particularly relevant piece of his backstory. Before this alien-from-a-planet-that-hasn't-been-discovered-yet was a Mandalorian bounty hunter, he was a Jedi Knight named Nathan Lotts (Jedi Count: 5) who fled the battle on Geonosis. Sounil was a librarian on the ruined Jedi world of Ossus, so it's par for the course here at MI5. Markus apparently had a run-in with this Sith, having been dragged around the desert tied to the back of his landspeeder. He was not amused.

As the Jedi scuffle, Kalnar sits in the control room and watches himself on camera. He notices that ten men with blasters and repeaters are headed for the team at the front door. The agents promptly decide to find somewhere else to be. Noticing two more men headed his way, Kalnar abandons his position.

By the way, have I mentioned Nucexid Moriana? He's kind of like a useless version of Doctor Who, drifting through time and space without any idea as to where he is or what's going on around him. Perhaps he's responsible for Noir's current predicament. Anyways, he's being harassed by the Empire. In Space. Now back to the your regularly scheduled shenanigans.

Markus has taken the opportunity to send Kalnar a few viruses, which are then uploaded to the communications grid, knocking down the comlinks for both friend and foe. Kalnar takes the opportunity to scale the castle walls with his ascension gun, then fools the guards into thinking he fell to his death.

Though Markus's comm virus did a good job of knocking out every comlink the guards had, it wasn't able to do anything about their blasters, which were rapidly becoming a pressing concern. The MI5 agents hide as Markus works on making a radio. Kalnar slips on a patch of ice, falling off the roof, breaking his leg and limping to the team's position. The team continues shooting and drops a few more guards. Markus decides that they should get to the med-center, causing Noir to decide that he'll cover their retreat. Of course, he seems to want Sounil's lightsaber to do it (a gift from Adi Galla apparently, because nothing says "thanks for your hard work and dedication" like a weapon that will take your head off if you lose sight of it).

Back out in the wastes of Ryloth, Hardcastle tractor-beams the Jedi out of the way and drops some torpedoes on the battle ground.

Noir decapitates the remaining guards. The guard with the repeater unloads into Noir's back. Fortunately, the Myneyrsh Mandalorian Jedi Bounty Hunter's armor absorbed the blast, and the shooter was dispatched by Kalnar. The team drags the injured agent to the medical bay, where they come across one of the Baron's doctors. The doctor promptly sets his leg in a temporary measure.

Noir promptly leaves in search of the Baron (failing to return Sounil's lightsaber in the process). Markus gets himself lost among the corridors. After all, if you cannot find them, they almost certainly will not be able to find you. An annoyed Sounil is left to lead Kalnar around the base. Her touch reminds Kalnar of Pam, who he hadn't thought about in a while, not since he left her brokenhearted and crying her eyes out back at her place.

Markus's plan works so well that he manages to get himself lost among in the control room of the base. Others nag him for plans to the base, which he promptly supplies. The Baron meanwhile orders a virus to be dropped into his base's computer system. Sounil and Kalnar press-gang one of the baron's guards into serving as a beast of burden for the injured Mon Calamari. Realizing that the facility seems to have an outreach program for the mentally impaired, Noir uses his fancy Jedi juju to convince the guard to take him to the Baron's office. One of the other guards expressed some concern with this turn of events and is shot for insight. With his path unblocked through the power of raw stupidity, Noir camps out in the Baron's office, while the Baron is off doing villainous things, which primarily involves swearing at a terminal.

Kalnar meanwhile decides that undignified mistreatment of the guard is a violation of rights of a level he's not comfortable with. He thus kneecaps the guard and the doctor for good measure, then goes floating off in a hoverchair. What follows next is a pretty boring segment wherein the agents meander around as they head for the Baron's unoccupied office. Markus slams a guy into the ground and then shoots him, which is funny given that he's probably fifty kilos of unhealthy nerd when soaking wet. Sounil comes across the scene and uses her amazing detective abilities to conclude that the guard is, in fact, dead. Kalnar has what has to be Ryloth's first incident of road rage while in a hoverchair, shooting it, then limping off to shoot a few guards for good measure. Gathering together in the office, the agents utilize their elite training and calmly wait for the Baron to spring whatever trap he has planned.

Woosta enters. Surprise. The expected trap is actually a trap, and the Sith is still a Sith. As all MI5 field agents have undergone rigorous training, their responses are nothing short of professional. Sounil panics, Markus freezes, Kalnar mumbles an attempt at witticism and pulls a blaster, while Noir attempts to flip over and slash Woosta to death. Unfortunately, Woosta has Cutscene Power, and he proceeds to beat them around with telekinesis, before taking igniting Sounil's lightsaber along with his own. As we all know, Jar'kai is a rare and fighting style that relies on the user undergoing an extensive amount of training to use two weapons without slicing off his own limbs. This is why everyone on this entire website has mastered it.

Apparently having realized how utterly useless he's been this entire mission, Kalnar desperately tries to find the "heroic sacrifice" button, while Noir tries to stop him. Woosta will have none of this nonsense, so Sounil tries for the General Jar-Jar tactical award and pulls out a string of thermal detonators and throws them at Woosta. In a small office at near point-blank range. Kalnar then shoots a stack of "about 100" crates, which all explode, and Woosta leaps into the air to dodge the crates and the thermal detonators, while MI5 handlers try to figure out how the Baron managed to turn his office into a TARDIS. Cutscene powers are in full-effect, as Sounil begins cutting through the wall, and Markus uses his herculean strength to wrench the Sith from the air and headbutt him into unconsciousness. Meanwhile, the thermal detonators have managed to not actually explode, so Sounil grabs one and lobs it out the door to deal with any incoming guards, as well as the floor, walls, ceiling, and whatever else is within the blast radius. Having safely subdued their enemy, the MI5 agents go about celebrating their victory, Markus extinguishing his last cigarra in the Sith's face. Noir follows suit, but seems to forget that he's holding a lit lightsaber. Bickering ensues.

They take the opportunity to call what's left of the guard force and deliver personal insults. Sounil tells them to surrender or be brutalized, Markus tells them to surrender and not touch any electronics or be brutalized, while Kalnar tells them to surrender and pay for the damages done to his clothes, leg, and favorite pistol. There may also have been promises of brutalization, but the key point here is that he says "I'm still alive after what you threw at me, and I can still walk. I'm not a squishy fish." Hold on to this thought.

The Baron (and his eeeevil mistress) give each other defeated looks. Meanwhile, Markus notes that there was construction in the basement... large vents, which meant rycrits... which meant... something. Hardcastle finally lands and disgorges his payload of Jedi, while Markus and company go drinking from the Baron's private stash, then go wandering. Hardcastle runs into Kalnar's former victims and gets clocked by a pillow. Sounil maims him for doing so, Kalnar passes out and Noir drunkenly staggers around. From out of nowhere, AMP reactivates and starts killing slavers, or maybe just anyone in the nearby area. Back on the ranch, Markus goes and starts drinking aboard the Last Bolt as Noir passes out. Gruu and the injured Kalnar go off to assault... something, something with two turrets. As Gruu deflects the bolts, Kalnar blasts the turrets, then runs in with his busted leg and jumps into a wall of blaster bolts from dozens of guards out of nowhere. Fish fritters for everyone. This is why you don't tempt fate with stupid statements. Kalnar croaks out his last melodramatic request for Pam (the girl he... you know... dumped) and then croaks. An unconscious Noir, drunk Markus and sleeping Sounil are roused to deal with the situation, Noir going off to kill some people.

Meanwhile AMP is still cutting a killing swath across Ryloth. After killing the slavers, he's going after everyone who's ever made a profit cooperating with them. You heard that right kids, AMP is going to kill the population of an entire planet.

Back on Ryloth, Noir and Gruu have caught up with the Baron. The eeeevil mistress activates cutscene powers and shoots Gruu in the shoulder. "Are you fools here just because of one dead agent? Do you even know what's really happening?" Considering this is the top espionage organization in the Republic, the answer is a resounding no. While the agents aboard the Last Bolt discuss what do with Kalnar's body, Noir and Gruu listen to the Baron and his eeeevil mistress discuss their plans. Apparently, they were just dealing with spice when an MI5 agent showed up, so they killed him and shipped him back home. Woosta and his master apparently took a break from being Sith to take up a life of crime (apparently, "redundancy" is not a word in their vocabularies), and help introduce what marks a long and storied tradition of opposition in the 007 series: hooting morons with lightsabers. Fortunately, MI5 has its own hooting morons with lightsabers, and Noir is on the case, killing the eeeevil mistress (name: Froza Klebb, professional assassin. The last part may have been an exaggeration). AMP takes a break from killing the entire population of Ryloth and shows up at the scene, where Gruu is holding the Baron aloft with the Force. Apparently, this does not prevent the Baron from pulling a blaster, so Gruu stabs him through the chest.

[edit] The Final Tally

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

• Sounil Mistry
• Hardcastle
• AMP
• Markus Carfax
• Noir Lumiere
• Jaren Ytriiln
• Gruu Funkistann - Injured
• Nucexid Moriana - Incapacitated
• Kalnar Omana - Deceased
• Kip Locia - Missing In Action
• Raine Yubari - Missing In Action
• Zen Ford - Missing In Action

FROM RYLOTH WITH LOVE: RETURN TO SENDER