CS:SB-3 frigid super battle droid

Star Wars Fanon > Council of Seers > Good article nominations > SB-3 frigid super battle droid

Star Wars Fanon > Council of Seers > Featured article nominations > SB-3 frigid super battle droid

This is the archived review page for the successful good article and featured article nominations of SB-3 frigid super battle droid.

Nominations

Good article nomination

Support (5 Seers/3 users/8 total)

1. Much better, well done. --Victor^talk 22:37, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
2. Now that Vic's review is done, I read over this article again. I've got to say, Tyler, that when you first nominated this article I was dreading having to read it, for obvious reasons. You've proven me wrong in the idea that this would be a bad article. In fact, I'm impressed. The mentioning of Tyler and the GDE in this article didn't bother me as much as I thought it would, only because the snow droids barely had anything to do with the NCIS and all that. Overall, very well done. Keep up the good work. I even think we have a potential FA on our hands, which truth be told I never thought I'd say about one of your articles. - Brandon Rhea ^{(talk) (contribs)} 22:52, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
   • Thanks. By the way, thanks for fixing those last minute objections, I had to go right before he added those..—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 00:08, 2 December 2008 (UTC)

   • You're welcome. - Brandon Rhea ^{(talk) (contribs)} 00:09, 2 December 2008 (UTC)

3. Per Brandon. Drewton ^{(Drewton's Holocron)} 23:22, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
4. Per above. --Michaeldsuarez ^{(Talk) (Deeds)} 03:03, 2 December 2008 (UTC)
5. --Arav the Undersith ^{(Contact Me) (My contributions)} 08:58, 2 December 2008 (UTC)
6. -Solus ^{(Bird of Prey)} 12:57, 2 December 2008 (UTC)
7. Nice work. Unit 8311^Talk! 13:28, 2 December 2008 (UTC)
8. I think this article beats its Wookieepedian counterpart. -- Tesh 162 15:38, 2 December 2008 (UTC)

Objections

1. Here's what I could find:
   • 'They proved to be effective.'...better be 'considered to be effective'
   • 'he snow droid, although not as smart as a MagnaGuard or as fear-inducing as a droideka, was one of the most effective modified super battle droid variants the Confederacy made.'...more POV here. Put 'considered' in front of all the descriptions that could be argued against, such as smart, fear-inducing, effective, etc.
   • 'Obviously, Grievous ordered a slight variant of the droid for use on frigid terrain'...replace 'obvious' with 'as a result'
   • 'even though the droid had an immense weight'...replace 'immense' with something else. 'Immense for a human', maybe.
   • 'Snow droids fought courageously', whoah, BIG POV. Change 'courageously' to something else.
   • Also, the prose in some places is somewhat disjointed. In other words, try joining up short sentences that are next to each other. Unit 8311^Talk! 18:29, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
2. From the frigid Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea:
   • The introduction is only 122 words. We require 150.
   • You could probably do with a different introductory quote, although it’s up to you. I say this because that could apply to ANY B-2 with a blaster rifle, and doesn’t really seem unique to a snow droid.
   • The introduction is completely lacking in links. Link to the Trade Federation, the CIS and the New CIS. You should also link to the Clone Wars, the three battles, and the Galactic Empire.
   • “Horrible” is POV unless you say who believed they were performing horribly.
   • First, “uneffectiveness” isn’t a word. It’s “ineffectiveness” . Second, either way, it’s POV unless you state who felt that way.
   • “The second concept was for it to have a much larger size than the regular droids, as this would be helpful as it trudged through snowy terrain”. – Few things about this sentence. First, what’s a “regular droid”. Regular is POV, but also we don’t know what that means anyway. Do you mean standard B-2 super battle droids? Please specify. Second, how would it be helpful as it went through the snow? Please specify. Third, “trudged” is a bit prosey (ie, something better suited for a narrative rather than an encyclopedia). Try something more like “as it made its way through the snow”.
   • “The third was for the snow battle droid to be able to use both a regular blaster and the one attatched to its arms”. Why? Expand on this.
   • “Baktoid was eventually, albeit after many tests and prototypes, able to get all three ideas into one battle droid”. Poor wording. Try going with “After many tests and prototypes, Baktoid was able to get all three ideas into one battle droid”. Also, and I’m saying this before having read the history so if it’s specified there ignore this, state what these tests were.
   • “Snow droids' performance was equal to that of the regular B2 super battle droid”. By whose standard was it equal? POV unless specified.
   • “The B2 couldn't...”. NEVER use contractions in an encyclopedic article. Never. Ever.
   • “...operate an E-5 because it's fingers were too thick”. Apostrophe problem.
   • “The snow droid, although not considered to be as smart as a MagnaGuard or considered to be as fear-inducing as a droideka, was considered to be one of the most effective modified super battle droid variants the Confederacy made”. Borderline POV unless you state who believed all of that.
   • After the super battle droid was created, the General Grievous ambitiously tested the droid on all terrains”. Grievous may have been well known, but I doubt he was infamous enough to be called THE General Grievous. Also, “ambitiously” is POV.
   • “The droid excelled at travelling on hard terrains”. Excelled by whose standards? POV.
   • I’ll look at the rest of the article later. This should hold you over for awhile. - Brandon Rhea ^{(talk) (contribs)} 20:39, 4 November 2008 (UTC)

   • Struck my objections, but I'm going to postpone voting until I see Vic's upcoming review. I didn't review the entire article with these objections, so I'm positive there are more objections to come. - Brandon Rhea ^{(talk) (contribs)} 17:18, 27 November 2008 (UTC)

3. From the unleashed desk of Drewton:
   • Battle droids and super battle droids need to be linked to.
   • "They were considered to be very effective. Snow droids were much taller than the other droids." Sentences could be combined, perhaps?
   • "They wore white armor and were capable of handling a handheld blaster and the blaster mounted to their wrist." Is it really armor, or is it plating? It seems to be the latter judging by the pictures.
   • "Characteristics" is Wookieepedia standard rather than "Description".
   • Images could use some rearranging. There aren't many images at the beginning and then it's crowded at the end.
   • "as it's much larger feet were better capable of handling the weight of snow" This isn't a contraction, rather in posessive, so it should be "its".
   • All things linked to in the infobox should be linked to again when first mentioned in the main article.
   • "The B2 could not operate an E-5 because its fingers were too thick." Are they really fingers? Perhaps put them in quotation marks.
   • "After the super battle droid was created," "After the super battle droid model was introduced" would sound better.
   • Who is General Grievous? I know, but you have to assume the reader might not.
   • "Although snow droids were not used much" Sounds unprofessional. I would suggest "although snow droids were rarely used".
   • '"Without the snow droid, the Confederacy would have lost several battles quickly rather than win the battles quickly." Sounds awkward.
   • "They failed to kill Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi," Who are Skywalker and Kenobi?
   • "The snow troopers managed to shoot him a few times, but he deflected the bullets and cut the droids in half." Do they really use bullets?
   • "The snow droids had no idea what was happening. After hours of defending the crystal, the droids shut down all of a sudden. The clones retrieved the crystal. The Clone Wars were over." This needs to be explained and expanded.
   • "Snow droids were put to many uses around the Galaxy." Galaxy isn't capitilized.
   • "Historians view the snow droid as an effective solution to a simple problem: the problem of adapting to environments." Tense.

   Drewton ^{(Drewton's Holocron)} 17:19, 6 November 2008 (UTC)

   • "Snow droids fought tirelessly" Droids don't tire.
   • Percents should be changed to words (25% to twenty-five percent, for example).
   • Galactic Empire needs to be linked to in Later uses and legacy.
   • "Asajj Ventress demanded she needed a starfighter from the Confederate leader" Perhaps to "demanded a starfighter" to make it sound more encyclopedic?

   Drewton ^{(Drewton's Holocron)} 23:08, 1 December 2008 (UTC)

4. My review.
   • Infobox: Under the affiliation section, do not abbreviate the New CIS/GDE. Write out the whole name and separate them as you did in the above "Manufacturer" section.
   • Introduction
     • Give a link to a super battle droid, and perhaps some context on what they are.
     • Do not abbreviate as you did in "and the New CIS/GDE", instead write both whole names out separately
     • "specially by Baktoid to solve the problem" Baktoid? What's Baktoid? Give a link and context, others I have no idea what they are/who they are. Also, is 'specially' supposed to be 'specifically'? Either works, just asking.
     • "Snow droids have won and lost many battles during the Clone Wars" Remove the "have" from there, otherwise it sounds like they're still around, and it shouldn't. Without the have, it works.
     • "Major battles they fought include the battles of Rhen Var, Diado, and Mygeeto" You forgot 'fought in' and 'include' should be 'included' (past tense).
     • "After the universal control signal was disabled" The what? Link and context on what that is please. Context is always important.
     • "However, after the Clone Wars, they indirectly inspired the Galactic Empire's snowtroopers" I see what you're saying, but specify what you mean and specify why they inspired them. By that, I mean say they inspired the creation of the snowtroopers, and why the indirectly inspired them (was it because the Republic/Empire knew they had to have units for the snow like the snow droids? Whatever it be, specify).
   • Design
     • "Snow droids, when created by Baktoid Armor Workshop, had three goals for the modified droid in mind" When you read it like that, it makes no sense, since it sounds like the snow droids had three goals in mind. Instead, rewrite it as 'When the Baktoid Armor Workshop created the snow droids, they had three goals for the modified droid in mind'.
     • "help it blend in to a snowy background" After 'blend', 'in to' is one word (into), not two.
     • "much larger size than the standard B2 super battle droid" Link to a SBD and what it exactly is. Context, context, context.
     • "a B1 battle droid's blaster and use it" A what? Link and context on what a B1 is. Remember, we have to write articles as if someone who knows nothing of Star Wars is reading it [the article].
   • Performance
     • "operate a regular B1's E-5 blaster rifle" A what? Link and context.
   • Conception and creation
     • "After the super battle droid was introduced" Funny how you barely give a link to the SBD here. ;) Please remove it from here, considering you'll add it in earlier.
     • "the Supreme Commander of the Droid Armies, the former Kaleesh warlord General Grievous" Instead of putting a comma between 'Armies' and 'the former', add an 'and' instead. Otherwise, bad, misleading grammar.
     • "terrains, such as rock, dirt, and even sand." Remove 'even'
     • "camoflauging" is spelled "camouflaging"
     • "The droid was tall so that even though the" Add a comma before 'even'
     • "compared to a human" capitalize Human, add a link.
     • "The droid, curiously, was fitted with a blaster rifle" Remove curiously (and of course the commas that enclose it)
     • Please combine the following two sentences so the paragraphs ends in a good flow.
     • "droids were eagerly accepted into the droid army" Eagerly by who? Tell us, otherwise it's POV and should be removed.
     • "such as Rhen Var, Diado, and others" Links to those planets please
     • "the Republic's snowtroopers" Two things; first, who's the Republic? Link and context, and secondly, add in the link of the Clone Wars somewhere in this section, since you talk about battles, but not the war itself really or who is in it, or give context on it.
     • Oh yeah, context on who and what the Confederacy is, too.
   • Rhen Var
     • "What do we do? What do we do. We blow up the base!" Bad grammar on the second 'What do we do'. Add in a question mark, not a period.
     • "Soon, as CIS ships bombarded from space," Remove the 'Soon' and make 'as' the beginning of the sentence.
     • "As B1 battle droids began to slow down in the snow, the snow droids began to stay at normal speed." Replace 'As' with 'While', at the beginning, and after 'the snow droids' replace 'began to stay' with 'remained'.
     • "They shot down everything possible in their path. Snow droids destroyed numerous clones." Combine those two sentences. They would flow better together.
     • "heading for the two Jedi that were now becoming a serious threat to a total CIS victory" Who? Link to Jedi and explain who these two Jedi are, and 'serious threat' is POV so remove that part or give context on who believed it was a serious threat.
     • "Though they failed to kill the two Jedi sent to the planet, Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi, it was still a victory for the CIS" How so? Why did the Jedi leave? Etc. context.
     • "Many snow droids were stationed there by the" replace 'there' with 'at Rhen Var'. We sorta lost context on what we're talking about here.
     • "Soon, the Republic did take back the planet." Replace 'Soon' with 'Soon afterward' and explain how they took the planet.
   • More later. --Victor^talk 07:25, 28 November 2008 (UTC)
5. Continued review.
   • Diado
     • "Diado was an ice planet. Temperatures reached negative thirty degrees easily. Snow droids were placed along the entrances to the facility." Combine these three 'sentences', for better flow, as so: "Diado was an ice planet, where temperatures reached as low as negative thirty degrees (add in either fahrenheit or celsius here, whichever it is you speak of), and so snow droids were placed along the entrances to the facility." Not only would that combine those first two sentences for the sake of grammar, but would also connect the snow droids' function too.
     • " Dark Jedi Asajj Ventress demanded she needed a starfighter from Count Dooku." Who and who? Link and context on both; Asajj has some context, but a little more might work, such as her position in the CIS, while Dooku has zero context, just pops out of no where. As I said, context please.
     • "She wanted the starfighter to be equipped with technology years ahead of all other technology." Replace 'technology years ahead of all other technology' with 'advanced technology'
     • "Soon, Dooku put the production of the starfighter" Replace with 'Dooku soon afterward ordered the production of the new starfighter, the Dark Moon, to be more efficient than her previous Ginivex-class starfighter.' That removes the unprofessional wording, like "way better" and such.
     • "Hoever, they found that" Misspelled 'however'.
     • "was a Jedi named Saesee Tiin." A Jedi what? Knight? Master? A little more context on him.
     • "him as soon as they could." I suggest adding in (comma) 'following his arrival on Diado' after "as they could"
     • "The snow troopers managed to shoot him a few times" Since there are 'snow troopers', don't say troopers, instead droids.
     • I hate 'soon' when it stands alone, as it sounds very unprofessional since it makes the tense feel out of place, as if in the present. Replace "Soon, Saesee Tiin broke into" with "Saesee Tiin then broke into" since he does this after killing the droids.
     • "before destroying the whole factory." How he do that? Context.
   • Mygeeto
     • "before Chancellor Palpatine" Who? Context/link, and also a bit more context on the "Triad of Evil"
     • "the now-renowned snow droids" This isn't present tense. Reword it to past tense, because I'm not sure what you mean anyway. Perhaps 'the then-renown snow droids' is what you meant.
     • "from Jedi General Mundi and CC-1138, "Bacara."" First, where'd they come from? Republic invasion? Attack force? Context on that, plus, give Mundi's full name and give context on who Bacara is (the clone commander of Mundi's forces or whatever fits)
     • "The snow droids suceeded in doing this, but the clones captured the turrets a while later." Since they didn't succeed in the end, add 'initially' before 'succeeded', which is misspelled, btw.
     • "General Mundi's gunship landed and Mundi began to lead the battle." Landed where? Context on why he was late into the battle or when he began attacking, a bit.
     • "even able to protect it for a while." 'awhile' is so bland and general. Give a more specific time please, like "a couple of hours" or "a day" or whatever fits.
     • Combine "did something that the droids were utterly confused at." and the following sentence, because we do not 'hide' things from articles or make them mysterious. That 'something' needs context, so combining it with the next sentence helps with that.
   • Later uses and legacy
     • "Snow droids were put to many uses around the galaxy." This sentence doesn't fit at all. either take it out or add it at the beginning of this legacy section and add in, after 'around the galaxy', 'following their deactivation'.
   • Behind the scenes looks good, but very short. I would like to see more detail (in proper prose and such) on why you chose to expand the droids, what inspired you to do it, what outside sources helped you out, what canonical elements did you tie in (aside from the canonical snow droid itself), talk about the images you edited for the snow droids, etc. Overall expansion in there.
   • Overall good; some bad prose at times, a lot of context lacking at first, but a overall interesting read, and now, following adjustments, a very good article. --Victor^talk 07:33, 1 December 2008 (UTC)

Comments

• I just edited the article and did exactly what you told me to do, Unit.—Darthtyler _Talk 18:35, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
  • Okay. However, expect more complaints from others. I'd also be more subtle about the Darth Tyler thing in the article, as you know what opinions some Seers have of that, if you know what I mean. Unit 8311^Talk! 18:46, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
    • That's exactly why I mentioned him passively in one sentence! If the whole article is ruined by that sentence, people have problems.—Darthtyler _Talk 18:48, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
• I didn't say the article was ruined by that sentence. I just wanted to warn you that some people might not take to an article mentioning overly Tyler. I may turn out to be wrong though, so don't take my words too hardly. Unit 8311^Talk! 18:52, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
  • No, I didn't mean you thought it was ruined. I meant I know some people who would think it is ruined.—Darthtyler _Talk 18:54, 4 November 2008 (UTC)

• I think I corrected all of your problems, too, Brandon.—Darthtyler _Talk 21:47, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
• I'll review this in a few minutes. Drewton ^{(Drewton's Holocron)} 14:41, 6 November 2008 (UTC)

In the intro paragraph, where you have New CIS/GDE, I think it would be better to have "New Confederacy of Independent Systems, and the Galactic Droid Empire." Abbreviations on articles aren't good, IMO. Very minor, but just wanted to point out. Wing ^msg 17:26, 16 November 2008 (UTC)

• Yeah, per Wing, if that still applies. The objectors should check if their objections have been corrected or not, so we can move this along, please. --Victor^talk 21:18, 25 November 2008 (UTC)

I'll check mine a little later. - Brandon Rhea ^{(talk) (contribs)} 21:21, 25 November 2008 (UTC)

• My objections haven't been adressed yet. Drewton ^{(Drewton's Holocron)} 21:21, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
  • Sorry - I've been working on Wookieepedia. I'll eventually get to it.—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 02:56, 26 November 2008 (UTC)
• I fixed your objections, Vic.—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 21:18, 28 November 2008 (UTC)
  • I will have a look later. --Victor^talk 02:04, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
    • Everything is in order, although I made some minor rearrangements since the images were far too small. Apart from that, good job fixing it up so far, and I'll continue my review later, hopefully. --Victor^talk 02:13, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
      • Well, there you go, though please check Behind the scenes for any POV (I couldn't find anything)—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 22:22, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
        • Great expansion of the BTS. It's certainly more deserving of the status now. Drewton ^{(Drewton's Holocron)} 22:24, 1 December 2008 (UTC)

The prose was a bit iffy in the BtS, so I cleaned it up for you. - Brandon Rhea ^{(talk) (contribs)} 22:28, 1 December 2008 (UTC)

Thanks, I'm always glad to have a professional clean it up ;)—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 22:31, 1 December 2008 (UTC)

Per Drewton, and I've voted in support. Well done. --Victor^talk 22:38, 1 December 2008 (UTC)

• I've added a few more objections. Drewton ^{(Drewton's Holocron)} 23:08, 1 December 2008 (UTC)

Since your new objections, Drewton, were relatively minor and didn't require any significant changes, I went ahead and did them for Tyler just to speed this up a bit. - Brandon Rhea ^{(talk) (contribs)} 23:20, 1 December 2008 (UTC)

Featured article nomination

Approve (5/5)

1. Approved! --Victor^talk 01:22, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
2. In the last month, I've cast two votes I never thought I'd cast. This is the second. Vic knows the first. - Brandon Rhea ^{(talk) (contribs)} 01:24, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
3. I think this kind of article is better left as a GA, but it's well done. Drewton ^{(Drewton's Holocron)} 14:14, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
4. —Signed in the name of Solus by Brandon Rhea, with permission
5. My objections appear to have been rectified. I'm glad to see Tyler applying himself. -MPK ^{(MPK's Talk Page)} 20:08, 28 December 2008 (UTC)

Objections

1. Review time.
   • I haven't counted the words in the introduction, but it needs at least 200 and an update based on the new information you have given us.
   • Ilum
     • "infiltrated the cave and began laying mines to destroy the cave" Change that second 'cave' to 'it'.
     • "After constructing Offee's lightsaber" Wait, did her master forge it? If not, then say something like 'After Offee finished constructing her lightsaber' instead. Otherwise, leave as is.
     • "Not being able to see anything, the Jedi destroyed many of the droids" Eh? How can they kill them without seeing them? Clarify please.
     • "He immediately arrived to Ilum" Change 'to' to 'at' or change 'arrived' to 'came' instead. One or the other though, not both.
     • "Later, the two Jedi were rescued by Yoda and the caves were fixed. It was yet another defeat for the Confederacy." Too many 'Laters'. Instead, replace that 'Later' with 'Afterward', and merge those two sentences, replacing that period with a comma instead, and say 'marking yet another defeat...'
   • Nelvaan
     • "Grievous made regular visits to the base." Grievous is linked to here, remove it, he is already linked to earlier in the history.
     • "Skywalker, completing his Trial of Spirit," After completing it? or do you mean this was his trial? Please clarify.
     • "the fearful Skakoans at the Techo Union" POV, word it differently to say someone believed them to be cowardly or just remove it entirely.
     • "Taking care of the snow droids, he sliced them in half and destroyed the facility." Second time you said something like 'Taking care of the snow droids', so it sounds really redundant; remove it, and instead say 'After defeating the snow droids, he destroyed the facility' but, also please add context on how he did it at the end of that modified sentence.
   • That's it for now, it seems, I'll double check the rest again later. Good again, and good use of canon events. :) --Victor^talk 06:44, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
   • Only new error I found, from Ilum: "from which the Jedi drew his strength" Not sure which you want to say, but if you're going to say 'the Jedi', then put 'their strength' (directly referring to Offee/Unduli); if you're going to generally refer to all Jedi (good context by the way), then put 'from which a Jedi drew (or draws, your choice) his or her strength' (notice the 'a' instead of 'the', and the inclusion of both genders). Also, I must've missed this earlier, from Behind the scenes: "this article was then created." Never refer to things as if we're reading it here on the website. Make it as if you're writing this in an encyclopedia for real, meaning you can't say 'this article'; instead, saying "for general canon information, Tyler (or Darthtyler) then created the article on the Star Wars Fanon wiki" or something like that. Lastly, I would recommend/suggest (not require) two more things: first, that first paragraph in the 'Behind the scenes' could use splitting, it's a bit big. A good place to split it if you choose to is at 'At first, Darthtyler had no idea…' and second, that Offee pic is good, so I would recommend making it a bit larger. That's all, good work. Almost there, tyler. ;) --Victor^talk 00:56, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
2. From the screen of the Solusinator:
   • Images:
     • Image:Snow Droid.JPG is not sourced correctly - promotional image for what? A Barbie Movie?
     • Image:Snow Droid Diado.JPG is not sourced correctly - promotional image for what? And where is the blaster from, specifically?
     • Image:Clone_snowtrooper.jpg makes the Bts header move over - this is messy
       • Personally, I don't see anything messy about that. Drewton ^{(Drewton's Holocron)} 21:52, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
   • Intro:
     • They were considered to be very effective and the snow droids were much taller than the other droids. Run-on. Two unrelated facts coupled by just an 'and' is a run-on.
     • They wore white plating and were capable of handling a handheld blaster and the blaster mounted to their wrist. Run-on. This sentence and the couple before it could be better worded so that the like ideas are grouped together instead of spread out as the author thought of them.
   • Design:
     • [...] so that if it's wrist blaster was destroyed in any way, it could pick up the handheld blaster of the secondary infantry unit, the B1 battle droid. Awkward wording. Makes it sound as if the droid is taking the blaster from a nearby B1.
     • In the opposite situation, a snow droid's blaster would be destroyed, and it would either be able to pick up another one, or use its wrist blaster. Parallelism. The last sentence, which was directly related to this one, was in the subjunctive mood, and so should this.
     • After many tests and prototypes, Baktoid was able to get all three ideas into one battle droid. Informalish. Though this one doesn't have to be fixed, I thought I'd bring it up. Just because I can be a bit nitpicky.
   • Performance:
     • "...and they are able to use both a blaster rifle and a blaster built in." Awkward wording. Though I know it's dialogue and thus doesn't have to be correct, a better wording would be a built-in blaster or a blaster built into its wrist or something like that.
     • The snow droid was also tested on skills other than just combat. Awkward wording.
     • The snow droid was also tested on skills other than just combat. Misleading topic sentence. This sentence makes the paragraph sound as if it's going to point out that the SB-3 could do things other than fight, then it goes on to list programming faults.
     • [...] the snow droid's programming was not as complex and was not spent more time on. Awkward wording. [...] more time on is awkward.
     • The snow droid could easily forget about a target after it left their visual range. Physics. Droids, as machines, cannot forget. They can ignore, but not forget.
   • Conception and creation:
     • However, when they tested the droid on a snowy terrain, they found that the weight of the droid was too much [...] Logic. This cannot be the reason SBDs couldn't work on snow - why would they make the SB-3 heavier when of the same proportions?
     • However, when they tested the droid on a snowy terrain, they found that the weight of the droid was too much for it to travel through the dense snow. The droid's speed on snow was decreased by about eighty percent. Splice. The second sentence is related to the first, and would sound better if subordinate to it.
     • The droid had white plating instead of a blue one [...] Agreement. Does not agree in number.
     • The droid had white plating instead of a blue one, for camouflaging. Word use. "Camouflaging" is a verb.
     • The droids were accepted into the droid army. Throughout the Clone Wars, both sides often met on ice planets such as Rhen Var, Diado, and others. Awkward phrasing. The first sentence is kind of...blah... and almost rhetorical. Would sound better if made subordinate to the second sentence.
     • Without the snow droid, the Confederacy, the government that was seceding away from the galaxy-spanning ancient government, the Galactic Republic, would have lost several battles rather than win them. Comma use. The way the commas are spread out is confusing, and the sentence can be taken in several ways. Dashes or complete omission of the unnecessary appositive is in order. After all, you've been dealing with the Confederacy throughout the whole article - why explain what it is now?
   • Rhen Var:
     • The icy wasteland planet of Rhen Var held Bravo Base [...] Verb use. "Held" in its transitive form in its closest meanings to this is "to be filled by; contain," "to have and maintain in one's possession," "to maintain control over," or "to be the legal possessor of." None of these make sense in context. A change in wording is necessary.
     • The icy wasteland planet of Rhen Var held Bravo Base, a base that was home to a very small clone force. The Confederacy saw this as a good target for a massive invasion. Logic. If Rhen Var is an icy wasteland and if there aren't many clones there to decimate, why is it a good target?
     • They blew up many LAAT/i gunships along the way, heading for the two Jedi, the guardians of justice for the Galactic Republic, sent to the planet POV. "Guardians of peace and justice" is POV. As well, definitions for things like that are generally not included in the article unless it might be fairly foreign in context. Here, it is not.
     • Soon afterwards, the Republic did take back the planet. When the Republic took it back, many snow droids were destroyed in the Republic invasion. Phrasing. You mention the Republic taking back the planet before you mention the Republic invading it. Did the Republic take it back before invading it?
   • Ilum:
     • As the droids took more and more casualties in the war from the Jedi [...] Awkward wording.
     • Dooku ordered the newly-manufactured cloaking-enabled chameleon droids to destroy the cave with mines. After realizing that the chameleon droids were not powerful enough to hold off any Jedi already in the cave, he sent snow droids to do the actual combat. Logic. Makes Dooku sound like an idiot. He isn't. Surely you can think of a better reason than that for the SB-3s to be there.
     • [...] the Jedi destroyed many of the droids just by sensing their presence through the Force, the energy field from which a Jedi drew his or her strength. Wordy. The definition for the Force is unnecessary.
     • [...] the energy field from which a Jedi drew his or her strength. Pronoun usage. "His or her" is a wordy and improper expression. Change to "his."
     • The snow droids then heard and saw the laserfire and rushed in to stop the Jedi. Wording. I know I'm being nitpicky here, and this doesn't have to be done, but the expression goes "saw and heard."
     • Many of the snow droids fell to Unduli and Offee's blades [...] Prosey.
     • [...] but some survived, retreating after much of the cave collapsed from the mine explosions. Word usage. "Mine," when its definition is an explosive device, is a noun.
     • Later, the Grand Master of the Jedi Order, Jedi Master Yoda [...] Redundant. "Jedi" and "Master" are used more than once too close together.
     • The snow droids managed to get a few shots out of their blasters before being sliced in half by Yoda's blade. Prosey.
     • Afterward, the two Jedi were rescued by Yoda and the caves were fixed [...] Awkward wording. "Fixed" is an awkward word to use.
   • Diado:
     • [...] the notorious Rattataki Separatist Dark Acolyte apprentice Asajj Ventress [...] Redundant. "Acolyte" and "apprentice" mean the same thing.
     • [...] the notorious Rattataki Separatist Dark Acolyte apprentice Asajj Ventress [...] Wordy. Can you string any more adjectives together?
     • [...] Asajj Ventress demanded a starfighter from the Confederate leader, the fallen Jedi Count Dooku. She wanted the starfighter to be equipped with advanced technology. Wordy. The second sentence is unnecessary - just make the first sentence say that she wanted a technologically advanced starfighter.
     • Dooku soon afterward ordered the production of the new starfighter [...] Splice. the phrase "soon afterward" would be better at the beginning of the sentence.
     • Dooku soon afterward ordered the production of the new starfighter, the Dark Moon, to be more efficient than her previous Gnivex-class starfighter. Faulty pronoun reference. Makes Dooku sound like a "her."
     • The prototype of the starfighter went under production right away. Awkward wording.
     • They immediately surrounded him as soon as they could, after his arrival on Diado. Comma usage. A comma is not needed before the word "after."
   • I'm taking a break right now. The Solusinator's system is fried. I've been at this for awhile and, when these are addressed, I'll move on. As a side note, it says that the SB-3s helped win battles, and yet in all the examples they lost. Contradiction? I think so. -Solus ^{(Bird of Prey)} 17:35, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
3. Hammertime.
   • For the sake of tidyness, I will try to avoid listing the same problems as my colleagues. You may assume that their issues are my issues unless I specify otherwise.
   • I recommend removing any and all references to the New Confederacy of Independent Systems, Galactic Droid Empire, Darth Tyler, and Troyb, but this is not mandatory.
     • Introduction:
   • "They were considered to be very effective, as the snow droids were much taller than the other droids." - Why is being taller a significant advantage? What does height have to do with advantage, anyway?
   • "After the universal control signal, the main control signal of all the battle droids on every planet, was disabled, snow droids, like all other droids, were shut down." - I recommend rewriting this sentence. There's too many commas, which makes it slow to read. I suggest removing the words "the universal control signal" (since the article at Wookieepedia doesn't seem to exist anyway) and replacing "all the battle droids on every planet" with "the Confederate droid armies" or some equivalent. Also add a "the" before "snow droids" near the end of that sentence.
     • Characteristics:
   • "Grievous ordered a slight variant of the droid for use on frigid terrain." - Change this to "Grievous ordered the development of a droid for use on frigid terrain", or make another appropriate change, because saying that he "ordered a slight varient" makes it sound like a few words are missing or out of place.
   • "The product was a taller, more efficient droid that carried a blaster." - Not mandatory, but I think having it say "The result" would sound better.
   • This isn't mandatory, but I recommend removing the quote at the beginning of the "performance" section. There doesn't have to be a quote at the beginning of every section, you know.
     • History:
   • The second paragraph of "Conception and creation" says "the droid" too many times. Replacing a few instances of this with "it" or another appropriate change in wording would help the flow of the article.
   • "The droid had white plating instead of a blue one, for camouflage." - I recommend changing the sentence to "For camouflage, the droid had white plating instead of blue."
   • I recommend adding some exposition to the "Rhen Var" section; specifically how it relates to the Dark Reaper crisis (that is, the Confederacy's primary reason for attacking it).
   • I recommend removing the quote at the beginning of the "Diado" section.
   • Un-capitalize the word "Human" unless it's at the beginning of a sentence.
   • "Mygeeto was controlled by the Confederacy for a short time before Chancellor Palpatine, the leader of the Galactic Senate and commander-in-chief of the Grand Army of the Republic categorized Mygeeto as one of the "Triad of Evil," a category of planets crucial to Republic victory, along with Felucia and Saleucami." This sentence is far too long. Change the part about Palpatine to simply "Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, commander-in-chief of the Republic Army" or something like that. On second thought, rewrite the sentence so that it doesn't look like you threw Palpatine's life story in the middle of a sentence about Mygeeto.
   • "However, just as snow droids thought that the battle was turning in their direction, they saw Commander Bacara and the Galactic Marines turn on Mundi and shoot him down. The snow droids had no idea what was happening, and were utterly confused as to why their enemy would destroy their leader." There's not much point in this part of the paragraph, because...

   Α- The droids don't think about battles turning in their direction. They just follow orders. Their programming doesn't go any further than that; they don't contemplate the grand scale of anything.

   Β- "had no idea what was happening"; Again, the droids don't contemplate things like that. Organic soldiers would certainly find such an event to be confusing, but the droids wouldn't care.

   • That is all I have at the moment. -MPK ^{(MPK's Talk Page)} 21:07, 6 December 2008 (UTC)
4. Part 2 of Solusinator's screen:
   • General side note: MPK, in the SW universe and on Wookieepedia, "Human" is capitalized because it is the name of a species among many. IRL, it is not because there is only one sentient species. It is not commonly capitalized on SW works, but in the SW fan universe the capitalized "Human" is generally accepted as correct. See here: [1], last paragraph.
   • Nelvaan:
     • Using the native blue canine Nelvaanians as experiments [...] Adjective order. Linked for your convenience.
     • [...] they researched ways to modify their genetic structure to make them suitable warriors for the Union's use. Faulty pronoun reference. "Their" could mean the Skakoans or the Nelvaanians.
     • Grievous made regular visits to the base. Unity. Right now, this sentence breaks up the unity of the paragraph and makes a jolting transition to a a new subject. A paragraph break and a rewrite of the sentence would be nice.
     • However, the Republic began monitoring these visits [...] Usage. "However," which means "in whatever manner or way," "still; nevertheless," and "by whatever means" makes no sense here.
     • However, the Republic began monitoring these visits and, after connecting theories [...] Awkward wording. In "after connecting theories," "connecting" is an odd verb to use.
     • Sending Anakin Skywalker, a human Jedi Knight, and Obi-Wan Kenobi, a human Jedi Master and former master of Skywalker, to the planet, they discovered [...] Faulty pronoun reference. "They" who? The children of the corn?
     • [...] the Separatist base had used so much resources [...] Number. "Much" is a singular quantity, "resources" is plural.
     • [...] the Separatist base had used so much resources that they had plunged Nelvaan into a continual ice age and that they had taken all of the males from the village. Parallelism.
     • [...] that they had plunged Nelvaan into a continual ice age and that they had taken all of the males from the village. Unity. The last clause makes no sense stuck on the end of that sentence.
     • Skywalker, seeing this was an opportunity to complete his Trial of Spirit, began his travel to the Nelvaan base. Mood. This is an opportunity. Opportunity, as a possibility and not immediate reality, should be in the subjunctive mood. Easily changed by changing "was" to "as."
     • Meanwhile, the Skakoans at the Techo Union ordered snow droids to be placed along the facility [...]" Clarity. "Along the facility" is unclear. Were they on the perimeter, the roof, the floors...?
     • Skywalker followed the directions that the Nelvaanians told him [...]" Tense. What the Nelvaanians told Skywalker occurred before he left, therefore, the verb of that clause should be in the pluperfect tense.
     • Skywalker followed the directions that the Nelvaanians told him, and eventually found the base. Comma usage. A ", and" should begin an independent clause. "Eventually found the base" is not an independent clause.
     • The snow droids attacked Skywalker at the last minute, but he was able to destroy all of the snow droids. Redundancy. Use of the phrase "snow droids" so close together is redundant.
     • Many of the droids retreated to alert the presence of the Jedi Knight. Clarity. So, the droids alerted Anakin's presence? O.o
     • Many of the droids retreated to alert the presence of the Jedi Knight. Logic. Droids don't need to retreat to report. They have communications systems built into the "commanders."
     • Skywalker, however, took care of the rest of the snow droids [...] Informal. Not a necessary change, but "took care" is rather informal.
     • Later, many more snow droids inside the facility attacked Skywalker when he began to free the Nelvaanians. Misplaced modifier. The modifier "inside the facility" could modify where the snow droids came from or where they attacked Skywalker.
       • I was going to finish the article but something came up, so I'll get to the rest later. Solusinator out. -Solus ^{(Bird of Prey)} 21:59, 8 December 2008 (UTC)
5. Please get rid of that new image down in the Appearances section. It's completely out of place and looks awful there. Images should only be used to support text. - Brandon Rhea ^{(talk) (contribs)} 17:17, 11 December 2008 (UTC)

Comments

• I think it's good now. I'll do anything I can to make this an FA.—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 02:51, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
  • I'll review this soon. Looks promising with these new sections. :) --Victor^talk 04:09, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
    • Done. One step closer...—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 21:01, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
      • Oh, and the intro is 208 words.—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 21:08, 4 December 2008 (UTC)
• OK, will look soon. --Victor^talk 00:31, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
  • And now I'm finished with your second objections...I'm getting closer to my first real FA...—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 01:15, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
• Thanks for the, er, compliment, Brandon. ;)—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 01:27, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
  • Lol. --Victor^talk 01:29, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

• To Solus: some of your objections to my article are asking for me to delete some things I had to add in to get GA. What do I do?—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 21:13, 5 December 2008 (UTC)
  • Also, some of the things you label as "awkward" I don't necessarily see as being awkward.—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 21:16, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

I find it funny how Solus never reviews any articles, until now… --Victor^talk 22:15, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

What's that supposed to mean...? This was not directed at me, but I still want to know.—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 22:16, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

My point is that someone is apparently biased. --Victor^talk 22:18, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

Ah...then I'll use my first smiley: .—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 22:21, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

What parts make you delete those important things? I'm willing to help you if you inform me. As to the awkward part, I realize that some awkwardness is subjective, so only the ones that are, like, blatantly awkward you have to fix. And, Vic, I understand what you mean, but this doesn't have anything to do with anything. I just did a review on this one because I felt like it. Longer articles I have trouble LBLing, so I figured I'd get back into the swing of it by doing a shorter article. Now that school is letting up, I wanted to better take up my CoS responsibilities. I'm not trying to be biased at all.-Solus ^{(Bird of Prey)} 22:29, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

Alright, I trust you. And yes, LBLing long articles can be a hassle, especially if it has chunks of POV and so much bad grammar. I should've LBLed Cos Decarte Paplatine for example for GAN (FAN above), because it is a huge mess, unfortunately. But that's good. :) --Victor^talk 22:32, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

The context parts. Like where you say to delete "the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice," that's giving context on what the Jedi are, and I had to have that for GA. And I will fix the blatantly awkward parts, because I will admit that there are some. Oh, and I'll be neutral on the bias thing, I can see both viewpoints.—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 22:34, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

• Per Vic, messes can be fun. You get to be ruthless. Also, in regards to what Tyler just said, I agree. That context in the Jedi one, for example, is necessary. Articles should be written as if no one knows what things are, therefore requiring context even on the most obvious things to us like the Jedi Order. - Brandon Rhea ^{(talk) (contribs)} 22:35, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

Tyler: Oh, okay. Bac: Okay, sorry. I didn't know that, I'll keep that in mind for future reviews. -Solus ^{(Bird of Prey)} 22:40, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

• Okay, I fixed the objections I thought were valid. Some of your objections were, um, "incorrect," I guess. For example, you said the sentence "They were considered to be more effective and were much taller than other droids" was a run-on. That is not a run-on, because it is joined by the conjunction "and." It would be a run-on if it was "They were considered to be more effective they were much taller than other droids." See?—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 22:56, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

No, that was a run-on. You changed it. It was "They were considered to be very effective and the snow droids were much taller than the other droids." Those are two completely separate ideas, what could be two sentences, should be connected by either a ";" or a ", and". Just saying "and" doesn't cut it. I don't mind helping you, but don't insult my knowledge of English, please. It's fine now, but the way it used to be was incorrect. -Solus ^{(Bird of Prey)} 23:16, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

• On the way it was before I changed it, it was still not a run-on. I just didn't type the comma, accidentally.—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 23:33, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

To be fair, Tyler, just because you accidently forgot a comma doesn't mean the sentence is magically not a run-on. If there is no comma then it is a run-on sentence, regardless of whether the comma was forgotten accidently. - Brandon Rhea ^{(talk) (contribs)} 23:36, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

Well, I guess you and Solus are right. It was a run-on, though not a normal one (normal being having no conjunction whatsoever).—Darthtyler ^(Talk) 23:39, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

Conjunction doesn't guarantee something isn't a run-on though, so keep that in mind my friend. ;) --Victor^talk 23:43, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

I'm running preliminary reconnaissance of this article, which means that I've just started reading it. I intend to have a review prepared soon. -MPK ^{(MPK's Talk Page)}

• The conversation that follows has been moved to the FAN talk page. - Brandon Rhea ^{(talk) (contribs)} 03:47, 9 December 2008 (UTC)

So, MPK and Solus, are you going to check to see if Tyler has made the corrections to your liking? - Brandon Rhea ^{(talk) (contribs)} 05:16, 23 December 2008 (UTC)