This is the archived review page for the successful featured article nomination of Lukas Sevarin.
Nomination[]
This section is no longer active. Should you wish to voice your opinion on the article, please do so on its talk page.
Approve (4 Seers/4 users/8 total)
- Its mine--God of Raw(The edge of darkness...) 19:44, January 7, 2012 (UTC)
- Quite good. -- JM76 Comm 20:24, January 8, 2012 (UTC)
- Good job. The article is greatly improved. Savage1138 19:34, January 10, 2012 (UTC)
- TK999 15:48, January 26, 2012 (UTC)
- --VGPCOMMLINK 00:30, January 28, 2012 (UTC)
- Trak Nar Ramble on 05:38, March 31, 2012 (UTC)
- Brandon Rhea(talk) 17:59, March 31, 2012 (UTC)
- After some more trademark intro haggling (only joking!).
GoodwoodDebating Society11,988 Edits 18:35, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
Objections
- SavageOpress1138
- Intro & Infobox
The last paragraph, starting with "Lukas was a ruthless mercenary..." seems unnecessary to me. Keep in mind, information from the P&T, P&A and Relationships don't need to be in the intro.In the "Affiliations" section of the infobox you have "Black Sun (formally)" and "Confederacy of Independent Systems (formally)". Do you mean "formerly"? If so, change it, otherwise I don't think there is any need to say if he was formally affiliated with them.Now that it's FAN, you need a 200 word intro, which you don't quite have. Perhaps you could add a couple more sentences about his work in the Black Sun, or something.- How long is it? --God of Raw(The edge of darkness...) 19:36, January 4, 2012 (UTC)
- Early life
Links to his brothers, even if only stubs."whose mother was a Shistavanen." I'm kind of missing the point of that phrase. Whose mother? Did Lukas and his brothers have different mothers?Context on the murder of Lukas' cousin, please.Maybe a little more context on his friend Aly Fartontae, unless you feel otherwise."Sirul considered their blood "pure", compared to Lukas." This sentence seems a little awkward to me. Perhaps something like "Sirul considered their blood "purer" than Lukas'."- Thanks
- Black Sun
"He was so good at his job he was offered to be a Vigo by Alexi Garyn, leader of the Black Sun, but refused." Why? Why would he refuse that? Please explain.- Changed it
And perhaps a little more context of what he was doing when he was saved from the krayt dragon, and how he met Jango.
- Clone Wars
"Reznov went to kill him in 3 ABY, but soon learned of his death five years earlier." This line is slightly confusing, perhaps it would be better suited to a different section?
- Assault on Uvena Prime
"Lukas was placed on trial, but was not found guilty and was freed." First, what is he placed on trial for? Aiding the Separatists? If so, how is it possible that he could be found not guilty?
- Weapons and equipment
It seems like there is a lot of information in here that is not mentioned in the biography. For example: "His cybernetic arm had a steel hook at the end, which Lukas put to good use." That seems relavent to the biography, if only adding a sentence or two about when he added it.Changed to "His cybernetic arm had a steel hook at the end, which Lukas used to cut his opponents in a duel, usally causeing them to drop their weapon". Any other parts?The sentence is better now, but that's not actually what I was asking for. I was asking that you add a sentence or two to the biography, about the arm. For example: "He had a cybernetic arm added as a replacement for the lost limb, but instead of a normal hand it had a steel hook at the end, which he used during combat." Or whatever.Savage1138 18:25, January 4, 2012 (UTC)- Fixed --God of Raw(The edge of darkness...) 18:35, January 4, 2012 (UTC)
That one is good, but I think this could also be mentioned, probably in the Early life section. "Sirul Sevarin had taught all of his sons to improvise weapons when disarmed." Maybe near the beginning you can mention something about him being taught by his father.Savage1138 18:41, January 4, 2012 (UTC)- Fixed --God of Raw(The edge of darkness...) 18:54, January 4, 2012 (UTC)
I would take out the parentheses. The first pair seems like it should be set of by commas, the second isn't really needed, and the third could be taken out as well, or set of with a comma and changed to something like "who died when Lukas was twelve."- You are allowed to that under SWF:EDIT as a “sofixit” edit. TK999 18:08, January 4, 2012 (UTC)
- Changed it anyway --God of Raw(The edge of darkness...) 18:17, January 4, 2012 (UTC)
- You are allowed to that under SWF:EDIT as a “sofixit” edit. TK999 18:08, January 4, 2012 (UTC)
- I'll leave it at that for now. Once you've taken care of most of this, I'll finish up my review. With a little work, this could be great. Savage1138 15:47, January 4, 2012 (UTC)
- Intro & Infobox
- TK-999
Context on Jango Fett, Zzarcs and Bossk in the intro.- In 27 BBY Lukas was been cased by Zzarcs, the private militery owed by Poyous. Jango Fett, who had left the planet Kamino for a short time, saved Lukas from the Zzarcs along with his son Boba. Lukas said he owed him a debt. Lukas repaid his debt by watching over Boba. when Jango died.
“Lukas was notably famous in the assault on Uvena Prime that took place during the clone wars [sic].” POV, consider revising, e.g. "he became known due to his actions in the assault" or something along those lines.- Done
How come he survived the encounter with an unarmored Skywalker and yet died in the clash with Vader?- Lukas fought Skywalker in the Garadex factory. Lukas was clumsy compared to Skywalker, and was soon disarmed. Just as Skywalker was about to deliver a killing blow, but one of Lukas companions intervened. Lukas appered to have tripped and fallen off the building. However, Lukas used his jetpack to break his fall, then escaped via the cities sewage system
- Otherwise, nice work. Your thorough work through Savage's objections left few things to remedy. Cheers! TK999 17:16, January 13, 2012 (UTC)
- Wait a minute...cheers is my line!--God of Raw(The edge of darkness...) 18:50, January 13, 2012 (UTC)
- I'm the Chosen One
This contains quite a bit of POV. To start, I think you should focus on the Personality and traits section since that is the biggest culprit. You need to explain why or who thought he was such and such. Did his clan or employers think he was smooth and violent? Who thought/Why did they think he was the lowest of the low, sly and cunning? You need to explain it or it is point of view.-I'm the Chosen One 23:42, January 26, 2012 (UTC)- Changed to Many of those who knew him said Lukas had a smooth personality most of the time, but this could switch to a violent temper. The most common cause of his temper tantrums was people who insulted him about his appearance.
- Many people also commmented that Lukas had a sarcastic sense of humor. He was often described by his enimes as the lowest of low, as well as being sly and cunning. Most said however that Lukas's weakness was his habit of swift mindless executions. This meant that Lukas was hardly a perfectionist, and often made common mistakes --Cheers Dog of War AKA the God of Raw 17:37, January 27, 2012 (UTC)
- Much better.-I'm the Chosen One 23:12, January 27, 2012 (UTC)
- Many people also commmented that Lukas had a sarcastic sense of humor. He was often described by his enimes as the lowest of low, as well as being sly and cunning. Most said however that Lukas's weakness was his habit of swift mindless executions. This meant that Lukas was hardly a perfectionist, and often made common mistakes --Cheers Dog of War AKA the God of Raw 17:37, January 27, 2012 (UTC)
- Changed to Many of those who knew him said Lukas had a smooth personality most of the time, but this could switch to a violent temper. The most common cause of his temper tantrums was people who insulted him about his appearance.
Black Sun-"Lukas proved to be an effective assassin". You might want to say how he was effective. Did he kill/capture everyone he hunted? Did he complete his missions swiftly or quietly?-I'm the Chosen One 19:02, January 29, 2012 (UTC)- "
However his efforts infuriated Yosyp Trebor, who decided to hunt down Lukas." Why did it enrage Trebor? Was he going after the same bounty? Did he politically support Yosyp? Explain.-I'm the Chosen One 19:02, January 29, 2012 (UTC) - "
Ever since that incident Reznov and Lukas hated each other immensely." Um, why? Was it because they embarrassed each other? Or that they failed to kill the other? Was it because they worked on opposite sides or that they just hated the look of the other? This sentence projects blind rage without context. POV-I'm the Chosen One 19:02, January 29, 2012 (UTC) - "
Embarrassed of his reputation within Black Sun, Lukas left the organization, weeks before Garyn was killed." Text in bold is not needed. Also, did his reputation take a nosedive due to failure? It would be helpful to explain his rep within the organization in that sentence.-I'm the Chosen One 19:02, January 29, 2012 (UTC)- Fixed. I think. --Cheers Dog of War AKA the God of Raw 20:08, January 29, 2012 (UTC)
- You got all of them except the last obj.-I'm the Chosen One 20:19, January 29, 2012 (UTC)
- It dosnt show up as bold on my computer. --Cheers Dog of War AKA the God of Raw 20:25, January 29, 2012 (UTC)
- You got all of them except the last obj.-I'm the Chosen One 20:19, January 29, 2012 (UTC)
- Fixed. I think. --Cheers Dog of War AKA the God of Raw 20:08, January 29, 2012 (UTC)
- From the Tree of Goodwood:
GoodwoodDebating Society11,988 Edits 21:05, April 17, 2012 (UTC)
- Done just that. --Cheers Dog of War AKA the God of Raw 16:54, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
GoodwoodDebating Society11,988 Edits 18:34, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
Comments
I have edited most parts you have detailed apart from the links. Its been rewritten in britsh english and may contain spelling mistakes. --God of Raw(The edge of darkness...) 16:31, January 4, 2012 (UTC)
Done links to VERY short stubs. What next? --God of Raw(The edge of darkness...) 16:39, January 4, 2012 (UTC)
This is nominated a FA now. --God of Raw(The edge of darkness...) 19:26, January 4, 2012 (UTC)
....Wait, so this guy is a cross between a Shistavanen and a Human....? While I don't deny that some people would be into that sort of thing, that's like a person and a wolf. No pup-babies would come out of it, though. Shistavanens aren't even near-Humans. -Solus Talk to the Hand 15:49, April 2, 2012 (UTC) Fixed. --Cheers Dog of War AKA the God of Raw 15:58, April 2, 2012 (UTC)
- Okay, cool. We don't have many Shistavanens. :) -Solus Talk to the Hand 16:11, April 2, 2012 (UTC)
All right...kay, this guy is a Mandalorian, goes to Tatooine, meets Jabba, befriends Jango, helps out Boba, fights Anakin, and is killed by Vader. Having one or two of those things in there is fine, but all those together? It seems mighty Gary Stu-ish. And why would he know swordfighting? That makes no sense. Maybe knowledge in other gadgets, but swords? Knives, maybe, but swords....? -Solus Talk to the Hand 16:31, April 2, 2012 (UTC)
Hes now a Mandalorian, and is killed by Vader. Improvment?--Cheers Dog of War AKA the God of Raw 17:48, April 2, 2012 (UTC)