This is the review page for the successful featured article nomination of Dolucian.
Nominations[]
Featured article (successful)[]
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Approve (5 Seers/5 users/10 total)
Brandon Rhea 
(talk) 04:00, 26 May 2009 (UTC)- Wylind
(Conference Room) 01:10, 27 May 2009 (UTC) 
-- You Speak, I've Spoken 03:55, 27 May 2009 (UTC)- —Signed in the name of Solus by Brandon Rhea, with permission
- --Arav (Ancient Grove) (Lost Archives) 06:20, 27 May 2009 (UTC)
- -- (talk) (contributions) 06:58, 27 May 2009 (UTC)
- Reviewed the reviews, seen that everything that was objected to had been fixed, and seeing as how JM writes pretty solid articles, then I'm gonna add my vote in confidence. Trak Nar Ramble on 07:12, 27 May 2009 (UTC)
- Nacen (Talk) (Contributions) 10:52, 27 May 2009 (UTC)
- --Michaeldsuarez (Talk) (Deeds) 15:01, 27 May 2009 (UTC)
- Unit 8311Talk! 15:27, 27 May 2009 (UTC)
Objections
- Here's what I could find:
- Context on the Galactic Civil War.
- 'develop a fierce warrior culture' 'fierce' is POV
- 'their exotic eye coloration' ditto for exotic
- '- almost black in appearance -' not too necessary, and a bit prosey
- 'This presumption was not too far-fetched' POV
- 'The more Dolucians alienated themselves from religion, the more amoral their society became, and the stronger the Sons became.' amoral is POV, and this is a bit prosey.
- 'Although it was difficult,' add 'for them'.
- ', the House of Elders on Doluc II was one such body.' replace the comma with a ';' at the start of this
- 'were instructed to help him carry out basic duties.' duties such as...?
- Fix the link to CIS in the 'under foreign rule' section
- Who is Ackbar? What is the rebel alliance?
- 'Although the Sith had a stronger military,' POV
- What is the Galactic Alliance?
- 'Their exotic' POV
- What is Israel?
- All for now. Unit 8311Talk! 15:53, 7 April 2009 (UTC)
- From the holocron of Drewton:
- Introduction
- "The Dolucians were a race of Near-Humans from the Outer Rim territories. The Dolucians originated from the world of Doluc in the Doluc system." I'd recommend combining them ("from the Outer rime territories, originasting from").
- Per Brandon from a while ago, "However" should not be at the beginning of sentences. So, for example (assuming there's other howevers in the article), "However, they quickly expanded their territory to encompass all the moons in the system, including Doluc II" should be changed to: "They, however, quickly expanded their territory to encompass all the moons in the system, including Doluc II".
- However can be at the beginning of some sentences. If you're going to ask for that sentence reworded, though, your example is not the way to do it it. You would want to say "They quickly expanded their territory, however, to encompass..." and so on and so forth. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 15:08, 10 April 2009 (UTC)
- "They were genetically similar to Humans and often reproduced with them; however, they had several key features" "However" was just used in the last sentence, I'd recommend changing it to "buT".
- Change "the dark side" to "the dark side of the Force" for context.
- More later. Drewton (Drewton's Holocron) 12:40, 10 April 2009 (UTC)
- From the *can’t think of a witty comment* of Brandon Rhea:
- Infobox:
- Homeworld, language, hair color, eye color, distinctions, races, and famous members should all be bullets rather than lists with commas.
- The first words in skin color, hair color, eye color, and distinction need to be capitalized.
- Introduction:
- “Territories” in “Outer Rim Territories” is a proper noun.
- Starting with after the semi colon, every sentence begins with “they”. Needs variety.
- This is more personal preference, but do you need to say that the “people were said to have come”? That makes it seem like you’re unsure of the information, as opposed to saying the “people came from the”.
- “the planet’s aqueous” - what planet?
- For contextual purposes, please use the full names for the Galactic Alliance and the Confederation.
- Small bit of context on what the Vancita Alliance is.
- Biology:
- Spell out one hundred, as well as one hundred and eighty.
- I would acknowledge the two sub-species at the beginning of the second paragraph by saying this: “Both the Pure Dolucians and Sramic Dolucians, the two subspecies the comprised the Dolucian species, resembled most Humans physically”. This introduces them before they’re mentioned at the end of the paragraph, and acknowledges that they’re subspecies which you don’t do in this beginning section.
- This is more personal preference, but I despise the use of parentheses. I recommend changing the eye color thing to: “Although the majority of Sramic Dolucians had the same color irises as Humans did, namely brown, blue and green, most Pure Dolucians…”.
- “skin was usually ranged” - that “was” seems very out of place.
- Culture and society:
- “lectures held by traveling tutor” - should be “traveling tutors” or “a traveling tutor”.
- Based on previous context, it sounds like females worked as well. Therefore, you need to put a comma between “workforce” and “or the local” in order to separate the two. Without that separation, it looks like you’re saying only males enter the workforce and the local military.
- In paragraph 3, sentence 2, “aspect” should be plural.
- There is no such article called “Galactic credit” on Wookieepedia. Did you mean Galactic Credit Standard?
- Language:
- Why would deep guttural sounds make a language infamous? We don’t speak about the infamous German language or anything. It might be better to say it was known throughout the galaxy for that stuff.
- You should explain the thing about it being based on concepts.
- For context, “dark side” should be “dark side of the Force”.
- Religion:
- No issues in this section.
- More soon. This is a save since my computer sucks and I don’t want to lose all of this. - Brandon Rhea (talk) 17:03, 23 May 2009 (UTC)
- Argent Consuls:
- “Monastical” isn’t a word. I believe you mean “monastic”.
- Paragraph 2, sentence 2 could use a bit of contextual rewording. I’m not quite sure what Darth Atravir was leading.
- “but they were considered more” - replace “they” with “the Sith” to clarify.
- “The office of Argent Consul slowly replaced by” - there seems to be a missing word in there somewhere.
- “the office of king on Doluc II” - looks like there’s another missing word.
- The “however” in paragraph 3, sentence 1 really isn’t necessary.
- Give some context to the Clone Wars.
- Ar'Knash:
- You should mention the name of the spirits by saying “so the individual’s spirit, called the D’ass, could escape”. Move the link to when you say the name.
- “dark side specters who” - I would change “who” to “that”. “Who” implies a person, whereas when you say “specter” you’re more referring to things.
- The third paragraph is confusing. I don’t get why it was considered suicide.
- More tomorrow. - Brandon Rhea (talk) 06:34, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
- From council to king:
- The governments varied in what way? Size? Shape? Color? Type? I’m guessing the latter. =P
- The “Generally” in the second sentence seems rather out of place considering how the rest of the sentence is phrased.
- “resolve anything to due bickering” I think two of those words need to be switched. =P
- In the last sentence of paragraph 2, “moons of” - I would get rid of “of”. It seems to be implying that Sram I and Sram II have moons, whereas they themselves are the moons.
- “who’s office” --> “whose office”
- “were diverted to serving” - “were” should be “was” since you’re referring to the House.
- Under foreign rule:
- Period after 25 BBY and start a new sentence at “However”.
- Kill the link to Clone Wars. You already linked to it.
- “They were considered unpopular” - who? The Republic?
- In the last sentence of the second paragraph, you use “instituted” more than once. Try replacing one with something else.
- More in a bit. - Brandon Rhea (talk) 17:07, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
- Early history:
- Why were they “considered” descendants? That seems indecisive. Were they or weren’t they?
- In paragraph 2, two sentences are started with “Although”. I’d change one of them for variety.
- “couldn’t do anything” - contraction.
- I may have missed this in a past section, and if I did then ignore it, but why did the Dolucians consider the Sons of Bogan rule necessary and fair?
- In the last paragraph, two sentences begin with “However”. I’d change one of them for variety.
- “which eventually ended in” - should probably be “which eventually ended with”.
- Brandon Rhea (talk) 17:39, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
- A united kingdom:
- The first and third sentences begin with “Although”. I’d suggest changing one.
- “the last Argent Consul that had” - should be “who had”, as you’re referring to a person.
- “brought on Dolucians saw” - looks like there’s a missing word.
- “His son” - whose son? I know it seems obvious, but you did just mention two people.
- Capitalize “Territories” in the Outer Rim link again.
- From Republic to Alliance:
- The “or separatists” thing might confuse people and make them think you’re referring to the CIS. That should be rephrase or removed.
- The “DL&A” looks really sloppy. IMO, it should just be written out.
- “they were subsequently executed” - the “they” is unclear. You should clarify that it was the members of the movement.
- I just noticed that we don’t really have any context on the Vancita Alliance. We could use some to know what exactly it is.
- Behind the scenes:
- “Dolucian was” --> “The Dolucians were”.
- “the Dustin Fayne” - wow, I didn’t know he was THE Dustin Fayne.
- “the article” - don’t refer to it as an article. Refer to it as the topic OF the article. The behind the scenes is meant to be about the topic after all, not the article.
- Capitalize Human.
- What does “Gary-Stu” elements mean?
- What’s a Fourth Featured Article Review? Also, the link you provided says it’s the Third Featured Article Review.
- “his eye’s” - whose?
- Refer to the kingdom in the proper name of the United Kingdom of Israel.
- We can’t take sides in religion, despite what religion the authors of articles may be a part of. Since the United Kingdom of Israel comes from the Bible, you really need to say that it “supposedly” ruled.
- Final verdict:
- Pretty good article. I enjoyed it and had fun reading it. The only thing I could mention as a general comment is that the article lacks information about what year all of this stuff took place. Adding links to year articles throughout the article would be a big help. Other than that, good job. I look forward to voting for this.
- Brandon Rhea (talk) 03:11, 26 May 2009 (UTC)
- Infobox:
Comments