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CS:Battle of Ahara (Cruentusian War)

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Star Wars Fanon > Council of Seers > Good article nominations > Battle of Ahara (Cruentusian War)
Star Wars Fanon > Council of Seers > Featured article nominations > Battle of Ahara (Cruentusian War)

This is the review page for the successful good article and featured article nominations of Battle of Ahara (Cruentusian War).

Nominations[]

Good article (successful)[]

This section is no longer active. Should you wish to voice your opinion on the article, please do so on its talk page.

Support (5 Seers/3 users/8 total)

  1. All objections have been sorted. Nice work. -- Joe Butler (Obi Maul12) (Chow) 19:52, 22 November 2008 (UTC)
  2. Council of Seers voteNot unreasonable for me to vote for it now. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 20:29, 22 November 2008 (UTC)
  3. Needs bigger pictures and the infobox appears to be hogging up the page, but those are just aesthetic issues, and other than that, it's a good article. --Michaeldsuarez Sabersmilygreend (Talk) (Deeds) 20:33, 22 November 2008 (UTC)
  4. Council of Seers vote Yes. Drewton Era-old (Drewton's Holocron) 20:15, 25 November 2008 (UTC)
  5. Council of Seers vote --Darth tom sig (talk) (contributions) 13:37, 30 November 2008 (UTC)
  6. -- Tesh 162 14:08, 30 November 2008 (UTC)
  7. Council of Seers vote -Solus (Bird of Prey) 18:41, 30 November 2008 (UTC)
  8. Council of Seers vote - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 18:48, 30 November 2008 (UTC)

Objections

  1. Introduction:
    • "...and both had to reluctantly work with each other..." Change to "...and they were forced to work together...".
    • Actually, "forced" is POV. Unit's way of wording it is better than yours, because "forced" implies there was absolutely no other option and the author of an encyclopedic entry has no basis or justification to decide that. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 20:27, 20 November 2008 (UTC)
    Fair enough. -- Joe Butler (Obi Maul12) (Chow) 21:40, 20 November 2008 (UTC)
    • "Meanwhile, the Zayre heroine Storm Ironwings would also participate in the battle..." CT (change to): "The *Zayre heroine Storm Ironwings also participated in the battle..."
    • "Nonetheless, with the combined efforts of the two commando groups, Ravyr was defeated and the Lost Ones were forced to flee, with their temple on the planet being razed with by a Srav nuclear strike."
    • Prelude:
    • Quote: "Ultimate power is within our grasp, and ours alone! So our former slaves are a bigger threat than expected! So what? By the end of this day, they shall kneel before us once before more!" - Ravyr
    • "...increasing said the user's durability..." You haven't stated a user.
    • "...and along with the Hand of Darkness use it to..." Comma after Darkness.
    • "Some of the other Lost Ones expressed doubt over this, (but) privately, (as they were) not willing to cross Ravyr while he had still had access to the Hand of Darkness."
    • "Ravyr himself had been some(what) destabilized..."
    • "...and (by now), his own comrades by now< were increasingly disturbed by his mania."
    • "An advance(d) Lost Ones scout made (executed) a quick reconnaissance operation over Ahara..." I think it sounds better this way, but this isn't a necessary change if you like it as is.
    • "...the outpost had been pla(c)ed there to..."
    • "...and was equipped with some of the most advanced Necasian spy technology (in the galaxy)."
    • Eliminating the outpost:
    • "...they simply assumed it was some a lost merchant ship or some travelers stopping off at the planet."
    • "...the Lost One commandos immediately began to systematically slaughter(ed) the staff there..."
    • "He also discovered that the army required a code to activate, to his frustration. However, he bypassed this by inserting the Hand of Darkness into the security system." Why would he be frustrated about the code if he could just use the Hand of Darkness?
    • Surrounded:
    • "Soldier, what should be and (what) is be is often very different are two different things entirely!" Is be?
    • "Su(r)prised to see each other, both Jarn and Vergulva demanded what the other was doing here on the planet.
    • "Jarn quickly agreed, and both ordered their respective troops not to attack one another to cease fire."
    • "...but that it they would take time to arrive."
    • I'll continue reviewing this later at "Extraction". -- Joe Butler (Obi Maul12) (Chow) 18:49, 20 November 2008 (UTC)
      • Sorted, but you're getting a bit ridiclous when you try and point out bad grammer in quotes. Characters don't have to abide by the MoS, you know. Tongue Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 18:55, 20 November 2008 (UTC)
    • Round two:
    *Extraction:
    • "Vergulva responded that for now, they would accompany her and her troops." The first "her" needs to be changed to "she"."
    • "Nervously, the Necasian troops boarded the gunship along with the Sravs, and there both groups had their ammo replenished." Comma after "there".
    • "...which was indeed almost filled with Rakatan droids that threatened to shoot it down." "Almost filled" doesn't sound right to me. Either you could take out "almost", or replace "almost filled" with "swarming", "crawling", etc.
    The Duel:
    • "Arriving in orbit, Redharn performed a orbital scan..." A to an.
    Intervention:
    • "Entering the relatively unguarded entrance, (and) dispatching the few droid guards there, the commandos made their way inside."
    • "In the corridors of the temple, the Necasian/Srav commando team encountered one of Ravyr's subordinates, who attempted to intimidate them with a display of swordsmanship. Vergulva replied by shooting his head off." Good stuff! Grin
    • "...before finally they entereding the command hall..."
    • "Even with the Hand of Darkness embedded in his flesh, he was been overwhelmed by the sheer amount of punishment he was taken." For the second part, either "he was taking" or "he took".
    Aftermath:
    • "The Zayre, led by Storm Ironwings, avoided contact with the Necasian Military, despite their enmity with them after their outcast of Carsal Redharn, the new consort of Storm Ironwings, as well as (with) the Srav Federation, those who they also were at disagreements with after many skirmishes and battles with them."
    • "...leaving Ahara to it's own control once more, unlike some battles where they had fought for control over the planet." Take out the apostrophe in its, and add a comma after "battles".
    • "However, before departing the planet, spy drones were dispatched by both factions to survey the planet and make sure of no remaining Rakatan presence on the planet and, if so, to alert the commanders to it so it could be eliminated once more, as the rest had." the part surrounding "if so" is a little cloudy, and could be cleaned up a bit.
    • However is used at the beginning of back-to-back sentences.
    • "However, in under twelve hours the entire planet had been surveyed..." Comma after "hours".
    • "...the casualties following on from the battle were relatively low, with only a few unexploded weapons being come across by the natives..." Unexploded should be changed to unused. Also, "being come across" doesn't sound very good, but I can't think of a better way to put it, so I'll leave it be for now.
    Legacy:
    • "...due to the fact that both factions felt many of the people under their jurisdiction may get a large degree of fear from the fact that a new faction of Rakatans were at large in the Galaxy..." "may get a large degree of fear" doesn't sound right.
    "...both began to realize to a further extent that the respective opposing faction, although an enemy, weren't the animalistic barbarians they're were been being portrayed as by the superiors in the two respective militaries."
    BtS:
    "The battle was mainly created on the behest of Darth Mavoc, who desire(d) a device to remove the Lost Ones faction from the war. Parts of the actual battle were vaguely inspired by scenes from Transformers, more< specifically the segment were the commando squads are besieged by the droids, echoing a scene in said film were a group of US Army troops are attacked by one of the titular machines (in) a Middle Eastern village."
    And that's it. There are some other things that would need to be fixed if you nominated this for FA, but for now, good work. Smile -- Joe Butler (Obi Maul12) (Chow) 23:00, 20 November 2008 (UTC)
    Sorted all that. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 12:02, 22 November 2008 (UTC)
  2. From the unleashed holocron of Drewton:
    • Contractions are unencyclopedic.
    • "With the battle over, the Rakatans having been defeated and now demoralized and despondent, the troops of the Lost Ones that remained fled to Malachor V to recuperate their troops before even attempting to launch another sort of attack upon any of the factions they'd encountered on Ahara."' Sounds awkward. Perhaps "the Rakatans having been defeated, demoralized, and despondent"? I also wouldn't use "now" in past tense articles.
    • Images are tiny, particulary the first one.
    • Rakata should be linked to in the beginning of the History section. All that was linked to in the introduction still needs to be linked to when first mentioned in the main article.
    • Quotations marks are better to use for quotes in the prose.
    Drewton Era-old (Drewton's Holocron) 20:06, 25 November 2008 (UTC)

Comments

  • Awaiting any objections. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 20:06, 19 November 2008 (UTC)
    • Sorted Obimaul's objections, sans the first two. Don't see how they're problems, seeing as they're encyclopedic statements of fact. Plus, in regards to "...increasing said the user's durability..."...'the user' is used a few words before--rawing Force energy from around to empower the user, increasing said user's durability. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 18:43, 20 November 2008 (UTC)

An overall good article. -- Joe Butler (Obi Maul12) (Chow) 18:52, 20 November 2008 (UTC)

Just to let you know, if you fix something, you can just strike it, as I trust that you did indeed fix it. I'll make a sweep over the article once you've fixed a lot of them. -- Joe Butler (Obi Maul12) (Chow) 12:47, 21 November 2008 (UTC)

Featured article (successful)[]

This section is no longer active. Should you wish to voice your opinion on the article, please do so on its talk page.

Approve (6 Seers/4 users/10 total)

  1. Council of Seers vote Objections corrected. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 18:46, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
  2. Nice to see good content set this far back. Brent Krajewski Pylon (The Forge) (Gateway) 19:50, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
  3. Council of Seers vote After giving Unit more trouble than he deserves... voted. — JM76 Ask Archives Sabersmilyjm76 19:52, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
  4. Council of Seers vote Those two quotes I mentioned notwithstanding, this was a good read. -MPK (MPK's Talk Page) 20:07, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
  5. Yeah, that was my bad. Thought I was signed in. Mulluns (Talk) 20:17, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
  6. Seems good to me. Wing msg 20:25, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
  7. Council of Seers vote --Darth tom sig (talk) (contributions) 20:28, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
  8. Council of Seers vote No errors, looks good. --Xepeyon You Speak, I've Spoken 20:34, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
  9. Council of Seers vote Guess it's not unreasonable for me to vote for this now. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 20:49, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
  10. Lavi (れび) (talk) 20:59, 7 March 2009 (UTC)

Objections

  1. Council of Seers vote From the united Resolute Desk of Brandon Rhea:
    • Just as an introductory note, I certainly hope that the quality of the articles has reviewed since you initially wrote the Battle of Kothlis, or this is going to be another disappointment. I don’t like being disappointed. Sad
    • From the infobox:
    • In the outcome segment, I think you can be a little more specific and grammatically correct rather than just saying “Lost Ones defeat”.
    • I may be wrong, but doesn’t a four-way battle indicate that there were four sides that were all fighting each other in a massive one vs. one vs. one vs. one battle? I thought this battle was everyone against the Lost Ones? If so, I think it make more sense to change this to a two-way battle infobox and include all of the non-Lost Ones information under one side to indicate that those three were fighting together AGAINST the Lost Ones.
    • Given the imaginations of the people involved with Project Cruentus, I think that you can come up with better “strength” and “casualty” statistics than what you have there. My advice? Ask MPK for assistance in generating appropriate numbers of forces and casualties.
    • From the introduction:
    • “was a battle of the Cruentusian War” - there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but I just feel that it reads awkwardly. I’d write it as “was a battle during the Cruentusian War” or “was a battle that took place during the Cruentusian War”.
    • When you say “elite Rakata commando group” in reference to the Lost Ones, are you using that as an official description (as if to say, “the Navy Seals are an elite force within the United States Navy”), or is that just an adjective? This isn’t an objection unless it’s the latter, in which case it’s borderline POV. If it’s the former, then disregard this. The same goes for further down where it says “elite Necasian squad”.
    • Should it be “Rakata commando group” or “Rakatan commando group”? I’d assume the latter, but given that you’re writing in this time period then you might know more than me.
    • “Necasian hero” is borderline POV, although I see what you mean to say by it. I’d suggest saying “led by Haveer Jarn, who was hailed as a hero by the Necasians”. The same goes for “the Zayre heroine Storm Ironwings” a little further down.
    • “and both had to reluctantly work with each other” - I would personally say “work with one another”, but it’s up to you. That’s just my preference.
    • “violent duel” - while I’m sure the duel was violent, that’s pretty much POV. I think just saying a duel would suffice.
    • “with the combined efforts of the two commando groups” - what about the Zayre? You mention them once in regards to the duel, but then they’re not acknowledged again.
    • “and the Lost Ones were forced to flee” - it’s never really a good idea to use the word “forced” for something like this, because it implies that they had no other options (which, technically, isn’t true because they could have stayed and fought until the last man was dead). In an encyclopedic article, it shouldn’t be said for certainty that there were no other options, so just saying “and the Lost Ones fled” will suffice. Just as a heads up, to avoid awkward reading, the changing of the wording in the “forced” part necessitates a change in wording in the next part. I would say that the whole part of that sentence should say “and the Lost Ones fled, their temple on the planet having been razed by a Srav nuclear strike”.
    • Just in the interest of easy reading for everyone, I would suggest changing “razed” to destroyed. Of course I know what that means but, again, not everyone necessarily knows that sort of thing.
    • More to come later. The overview of the battle in the introduction intrigues me, so if there is an extensive review then hopefully there's a great story to go along with it. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 21:24, 30 November 2008 (UTC)
      • Sorted. Also, it is my personal preference not to have exact figures in infoboxes, but I'll see what I can do. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 17:02, 1 December 2008 (UTC)
  2. Council of Seers vote From the screen of the Solusinator
    • Eliminating the outpost
      • However, the base commander managed to send off a distress call on maximum bandwidth, before he too was finally taken out. Informal. 'Taken out' is informal.
      • However, the base commander managed to send off a distress call on maximum bandwidth, before he too was finally taken out. Wording. Though it is not incorrect, it is considered more correct to place the one-word phrase 'however' in the middle of a sentence instead of at the beginning.
      • Even as the Greyfox transport was changing course for Ahara, a Srav Federation transport passing by the system boundry also picked up the signal. Conicidentally, Srav heroine Nataska Vergulva and a group of Hammer Division special troops were aboard, heading to reinforce Srav outer holdings. Logic. This is a very difficult situation to pull off, having both heroes passing by the same small system at sublight speed. Though this isn't a 'true' objection, all I ask is that you come up with some other, more plausible way to set up this battle.
      • [...] taken out [...] Informal. This phrase is used far too much. It is very informal. I will not address any more single instances of it.
    • Taken by surprise
      • Suddenly, his motion sensor started to beep rapidly. Prose. 'Tis prosey.
      • Then, a Rakatan heavy droid erupted out of the sand behind them, killing one member with a combination of kinetic fire and razor blades. Prose. More prosey-ness, by George!
      • Repelling the nearest droids with a combination of explosive bullets and grenades, the squad members reported that they had insufficient numbers and ammunition to repel the droids in the immediate area alone. Redundant. The word 'repel' is used twice in this small section, A synonym for one of them is in order.
      • It was then that Jarn noticed a ship that was familiar to him fly overhead, peppered with fire from below. Prose. Not encyclopedic. Though I can assume what you are talking about, we must assume that there are people who will not.
      • As Jarn was on the verge of losing hope, he suddenly found himself literally bumping into a figure he recognized instantly. Prose. Not encyclopedic. Per above complaint.
    • Surrounded
      • The nuclear-tipped rocket propelled grenades [...] Hyphenation. 'Rocket propelled' should be hyphenated.
      • However, they kept on coming regardless of their losses [...] Wordy. 'On' is unnecessary.
      • However, they kept on coming regardless of their losses [...] Wording. Again, though not incorrect, 'however' is more correct in the middle of a sentence.
      • In any case, he expressed a desire to witness the 'slave scum' crumble. Usage. 'Slave scum' should be "slave scum."
      • Vergulva informed them that the sheer amount of droids would result in it being shot down. Logic. Because there would be a lot of droids the ship would be shot down? It isn't the number that will get them shot down, it is the number's shooting that will get them shot down.
      • Vergulva dispatched them quickly with a combination of her sniper rifle and her personalized VLOK-19 combat pistol. Clarity. Is she dispatching them using both her rifle and pistol, or are her rifle and pistol combined into one weapon? Please clarify.
        • Overall, not a bad article at all. I rather like it, and look forward to finishing this review. Remarkably few errors, just a few sniggly logic problems is all. Good work. -Solus (Bird of Prey) 03:04, 8 January 2009 (UTC)
    • Sorted. I will point out that I did not know that 'taken out' was a phrase considered informal. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 17:49, 8 January 2009 (UTC)
  3. Per above. -- Joe Butler (Talk to me) 00:28, 1 February 2009 (UTC)
  4. Council of Seers vote JM76's review:
    Infobox
    • The unit count and casualties section is sub par, mainly because it lacks troop count. It is not detailed or comprehensive. I would recommend fixing that.
    Intro
    • "...elite Rakata commando group..." Elite is possibly PoV.
    • "...having obtained the powerful artifact..." Powerful is PoV. And where is the context for the artifact? What does it have to do with the cache of Rakatan droids?
    • "...which managed to send off a distress call." How did it do this? Did it send it before it was destroyed? On destruction?
    • "Both an elite Necasian squad..." see above.
    • "...both had to reluctantly work with each other against the Ratakan droid legions." Why? How did the Rakatan numbers fare in comparison to the other two forces? I can't tell because of your lack of detail in the infobox.
    Prelude
    • "Ravyr also believed that it could be also..." Saying 'it could also be' sounds more natural. Just a personal nitpick.
    • "used to access leftover remnants of Infinite Empire technology." Again, how?
      • Can't say how, because that's just what the character believed. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 15:50, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
    • "Some of the other Lost Ones expressed doubt over this privately, not willing to cross Ravyr while he had still had access to the Hand of Darkness." Almost non sequitur. Try to connect those two clauses better.
    • "...droid cadre." This is the third time you've mentioned a cadre. Not really a complaint, but it would be nice if the vocabulary was a bit more varied.
    • "Already, he was concocting fantasies..." Prosetry.
    • "Despite this, Ravyr initiated his attack plan immediately." Saying 'despite this' isn't really necessary because Ravyr didn't know about the potential problems with his plan.
    The battle
    • "As the personnel manning the base..." Saying something like, 'because' or 'since' would be more natural. Again, nitpick.
    • "...could not identify it..." They have the 'most advanced technology' yet they are unable to identify the ship?
    • "To his horror..." Prosetry.
    • "...commandos immediately began to systematically slaughter the staff there..." Slaughter is PoV. And prosetry.
    • "Arriving there, he found, as he expected..." Comma splice.
    • "Ravyr made a grandiose speech..." Prosetry.
    • "However, Ravyr had failed to realise that passing through the system was a Necasian SkyBull-class transport vessel, with Haveer Jarn, regarded as a hero by his people, and the elite Necasian squad of veterans known as Greyfox Squad, aboard." This sentence has been repeated twice already.
    • "...an insignificant outpost..." An insignificant outpost with some of the most advance spy equipment available?
      • The character just believes it's insignificant. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 15:50, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
    • "Nevertheless, the Necasian transport arrived just ahead of the Sravs on the planet." Obviously, the Necasians changed course first.
    • "...from the outpost remains." I would reword as 'remains of the outpost' or 'outpost's remains'.
    • "A few seconds later, a Rakatan heavy droid erupted out of the sand behind them, and killed one member with a combination of kinetic fire and razor blades." Prosetry.
    • "...timid locals..." PoV.
    • "The transport landed near the village out of sight..." How does it land near the village but out of sight? Context.
    • "...he literally bumped into Nataska Vergulva, suprising him." No context. How does she get there? This entire section is told from Necasian PoV.
      • Er, no. It does describe the Sravs landing and heading into the village. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 15:50, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
    • "As the last clips of ammunition were used up, however, and the commandos prepared for the worst, Srav Yukel fighters swooped overhead..." Deus ex machina. Not an official objection, just pointing it out.
    • "...the settlement was infested with droids, Vergulva simply replied that they would have to be culled from the air." So at first, she objects retreating because there are droids, but then she insists that the only option they have is to repel the droids from the air?
    • "...inside the lead one..." Sounds unencyclopedic. Consider rewording.
    • "However, neither side failed to notice..." So both sides noticed the invisible, high-altitude vessel?
    • "...Storm Ironwings, heroine of the Zayre..." PoV.
    • "...Ironwings smashed right through the roof of the complex, protected by her armor, surprising Ravyr and his cronies." Armor would not protect you from such a drop. And 'cronies' is PoV and prosetry.
    • "...his already comparatively potent abilities." PoV.
    • "...but was shocked when he merely laughed in response." He can shrug off lightning? What type of powers does this artifact have?
      • As it says, it increases durability. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 15:50, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
    • "...Ravyr furiously engaged her directly..." PoV and prosetry.
    • "...still nonetheless dangerous Rakatan henchmen." PoV.
    • "However, with Ravyr distracted by the duel, the Rakatan droids had fallen in disarray." Does Ravyr have to consciously command the droids? Context.
    • "...via parachute to avoid being taken out by the anti-air defenses there." An anti-air gun would easily shred a sluggish paratrooper to bits.
    • "...where Ravyr was finally getting the upper hand with Ironwings." I believe he has always held the upper hand.
    • "Although his armour and the healing propeties bestowed on him by the Hand made sure that the barrage was not lethal..." Please specify the powers of this artifact. The Star Forge did not prevent someone from dying, as we have seen through Malak.
    • "...coupled with the renewed vigor..." Context needed. It's prosetry too.
    • "By now, Ravyr's armor... other Zayre made their escape." Read my comments above about the artifact.
    • "...told that the droid army had deactivated itself..." Context. Why did they shut down automatically?
    Aftermath
    • "...despite their enmity with them..." Prosetry.
    • "...the Zayre returned to Ankarr immediately after the battle, in order to continue the fortifications..." Comma splice.
    • "In addition, both factions started moving the pieces from their weapons away..." Context. Whose weapons are we talking about?
    • "...and had chosen to depart the planet..." Should read, 'to depart from the planet'.
    • "...where they had fought for control over the planet." Context? Why would they fight over a desert planet? What planets have they fought over before?
    • "...and so the Necasian Military and Srav Federation followed the suit of the Zayre, and left the planet." You've said this already in the last paragraph.
    • "...very few were affected by that..." Be specific. What is 'that'? Nuclear bombings are usually messy, btw, they are rarely containable.
    Legacy
    • "The Legacy of the battle..." No need for capitalization.
    • "...due to the fact that both factions felt many of the people under their jurisdiction may panic from the fact that a new faction of Rakatans were at large in the Galaxy." Why would the people freak out? Aren't their militias reliable enough to defend them? Context.
      • Again, the leaders just believe that the people would freak out. No concrete reason behind that. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 15:50, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
    • "...both Jarn and Vergulva were commended by their superiors for their conduct." Why? Their teamwork seemed very one-sided - the Srav were the only ones who benefited.
      • Er, because they both fought off a load of droids and survived? Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 15:50, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
    Overall, I'd just like to point out that the idea of nuclear-tipped rocket launchers seems absolutely ridiculous. The artifact used in this article seems to grant Mary-Sue style powers in terms of granting temporary immortality to the user. Contractions are a no-no and please stick to either British or American spelling, but not both (e.g., 'armor' vs 'armour'. Finally, commas are abused way to much in this article. They are used over-excessively and the elongated sentences in which they are present could easily be split into multiple sentences or reworded so they don't need all those commas. Cheers, — JM76 Ask Archives Sabersmilyjm76 07:11, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
      • Sorted. However:
        • Nuclear shells--i.e. containing depleted uranium--exist in real life. So nuclear-tipped RPGs are not that ridiculous.
        • So both sides noticed the invisible, high-altitude vessel?--as mentioned a few sentences before, it was stealth-equipped.
          Read that sentence again. By your wording, you're implying that both sides noticed the stealth-equipped vessel. Just wanted to make sure that's what you're implying. — JM76 Ask Archives Sabersmilyjm76 18:12, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
    • Other than that, done. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 14:37, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
    • JM76 - Round Two:
    • "...the world belonging to the Necasian Military..." Who are the Necasians? Context.
    • Saying the Hand of Darkness is like the Star Forge isn't a good analogy because the Hand of Darkness can do several things - granting immortality, negate wounds, resistance to elements - that the Star Forge cannot.
    • "...leftover remnants of Infinite Empire technology..." Who or what is the Infinite Empire? Context.
    • "Meanwhile, he worked on accessing former Infinite Empire intelligence networks..." How? Explain.
    • In-universe quotes should remain in the quotes, not in the article itself.
    • "Unbeknownst to the Lost Ones..." British spelling. Alter to American spelling.
    • "...with Necasian hero Haveer Jarn..." Hero is PoV.
    • There is no context given as to why and how the Infinite Empire and their droids made their way to Ahara.
    • "Coincidentally, Srav heroine..." PoV.
    • "...as part of a scouting mission into the area." Why are they scouting an insignificant system? In fact, why are they scouting at all? Context.
    • All instances of 'rocket propelled' should be hyphenated.
    • "...remained fled to Malachor V..." Context on Malachor V.
    • "...by the sheer amount of punishment..." Prosetry.
    Enjoy. — JM76 Ask Archives Sabersmilyjm76 02:49, 10 February 2009 (UTC)
      • Sorted. As for the Star Force analogy, both use Force power, so that's what I meant. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 19:43, 10 February 2009 (UTC)
  5. Council of Seers vote From behind the scenes of Brandon Rhea’s Resolute Desk:
    • As you can imagine from my not-so-witty title, this is about the behind the scenes section. JM did a good job with the rest of the review, although I will say that I had to correct a number of the objections because you guys did not.
    • Behind the scenes:
      • “The battle” - what battle? Context.
      • Who is Darth Mavoc? Also, it’s Darth mavoc. If you’re going to cite someone, please properly do so.
      • “removed from the war” - what war?
      • Why did Mavoc want the Lost Ones removed from the war?
      • What is this “US” of which you speak?
      • Link to the Middle East.
      • “However, the rest of the article was not written” - reword to “The rest of the article, however, was not written”.
      • “very” in “very basics” is borderline POV. Just say “basics”.
      • What WERE the very basics?
      • What is the “Ravyr page”?
      • What is IRC? Say Internet Relay Chat and link to SWF:IRC.
      • Who is Darth tom?
      • Who is Unit 8311?
      • “rest of the article’s” - what article? Stop treating BTS sections as a BTS to the article. Treat them as a BTS to the STORY.
      • The final sentence is a run-on.
    • I’m tired of lazy BTS sections. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 01:32, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
      • All done, President Baccus. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 20:33, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
        • No, you're not all done. I had to correct some objections for you, and there's still one you need to do as it concerns context and clarification. I've bolded that last remaining objection for you. In the future, if you say that you've corrected objections, don't make me go back and have to fix a bunch of them for you. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 21:09, 6 March 2009 (UTC)
      • It is definitely now, fo sho. And I have also sorted JM's stuff, apart from the ones I replied to. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 15:49, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
        • It's kind of lazy to say "I can't go into any more detail, that's just what the character believed". You're the author; yes you can go into more detail and give context. This isn't coming from sourced info here. If you're making up articles on the spot rather than sourcing them, you need that kind of context if it seems contradictory to the information we have. - Brandon Rhea (talk) (contribs) 17:54, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
  6. Council of Seers vote Although I am unfortunately unable to list this as a legitimate objection (thanks for nothing, Brandon), I feel that straight off the bat, I must advise the removal of the quotes at Introduction and Surrounded, or better yet, the excision of the ridiculous parts.
    • Prelude
      • "placed there by the Infinite Empire some time ago as a contingency force in the event of" - Should be changed from "some time ago" to "some time before" or something like that (in the interest of keeping the tense consistent).
    • Surrounded
      • "were seen as highly effecient at eliminating concentrations of the" - "Effecient" should be changed to "efficient".
    • "advised him to simply eliminate them with their cruiser, but Ravyr replied that he wanted to witness the effectiveness of his droid legions, and he also retorted that in any case they would run out of ammunition long before they could run out of droids. In any case, he expressed" - Not mandatory, but there's one "in any case" too many in here.
      • Intervention
    • "Entering the relatively unguarded entrance, and dispatching the few droid guards there" - Remove the unnecessary comma there.
      • Legacy
    • "the Rakatan caste having been beaten enough to realize that this war was no place for them," - Could be seen as a point of view breach.
      • Those are all that I found on my own. Assume that any of my colleagues' objections are my own unless otherwise specified. -MPK (MPK's Talk Page) 19:51, 7 March 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Cruentus's 3rd FAN. Awaiting objections. Unit 83111110 Big smallTalk! 20:38, 30 November 2008 (UTC)
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