Spelling, grammar, and capitalization errors throughout.
Capitalization errors in headers.
Images aren't thumbnails.
Awful behind the scenes.
Poorly formatted Appearances section.
Completely fails article guidelines. This isn't worth reviewing as it needs a complete rewrite. I'm proposing it's rejection as a nomination. - Brandon Rhea(talk) 22:29, 9 June 2009 (UTC)
- JM76's review (note, some of my objections have probably been mentioned above.)
Instead of putting 'Unknown', you can just leave the sections blank. Optional fix.
Capitalize 'black' and 'gray' in the hair and eye color sections, respectively.
Lists of affiliated organizations, masters, apprentices, etc. should be organized into bullet points instead of using commas.
"Antus Ordo was the son of the Mandalorian General Dacen Ordo and the Jedi Lara Bindu." Who are the Mandalorians? Context. Provide a link to Lara Bindu, if said article exists.
"He lived on Kashyykk with his mother learning the ways of the force." The planet of the Wookiees is spelled Kashyyyk. Three y's. There needs to be a comma after the word 'mother' to prevent it from becoming the subject of a new sentence fragment. Finally, the Force is always capitalized; in Star Wars, the Force is a proper noun.
"He grew up to be a reveared leader and warrior that fought for Ordo's independence and established an underground empire known as New Moon." Not only is 'revered' spelled incorrectly, but it is also a point-of-view error. Also, what is Ordo? The family? The planet? Context is needed.
"He also finished his training with the jedi council and became a jedi knight." Jedi is always capitalized; it is a proper noun. In this context, Council and Knight would also be capitalized.
"He proved to be a brutal and wise military leader in his campaign and brought an end to the old ways of the mandalorian and brought about the new." Brutal and wise are PoV. Expound upon the old ways and new ways of the Mandalorians. Some degree of context or background is necessary. Also, Mandalorian is a proper noun.
In the section header, 'life' is lower-cased.
"Antus was born nearly 4 years after the jedi civil war." For syntax's sake, write out 'four'. And Jedi Civil War is capitalized, since it is the name of a specific war.
"He was the child of two force senseitives and was therefore very strong in the force." Force-sensitives is not hyphenated as it should be hyphenated and spelled incorrectly. Force is capitalized. And being a child of two Force-sensitives does not guarantee that one will be strong in the Force; therefore, the word therefore cannot be used. So there's some logical problems there.
"His mother, who was a retired jedi saw this, but was reluctant to train him fearing he would follow his fathers path." A comma is necessary after 'Jedi' (which should be capitalized) and between 'him' and 'fearing'. Since it is the path of the father, it shows possession; it should read father's. And wars do not make Jedi great. Antus's father was a general. How would he follow his father's path?
"However she also saw how Ordo would need a strong leader without the world would fall to pieces." A comma is needed after 'However'. The latter bit starting with the word 'without' is a sentence fragment. It needs a noun. And as it stands, it's a run-on sentence. Also, 'fall to pieces' is much too prose-y for a GA.
"...at the hands of one of the men in there town." there vs. their. Since it displays possession, it is 'their' town.
"His uncle Canderous was reistablishing the clans under him and began retaking mandalorian worlds." Reestablishing is spelled incorrectly. Additionally, saying 'under him' is unclear. Is Canderous uniting the clans under himself, or under Antus?
"One of the first to fall was Ordo because it was Canderous' home world." Saying a world 'fell' is PoV, because it implies that the current rulers of the world were the rightful owners. Saying they were 'conquered' is probably a more neutral stance to take. When adding possession to a word that already ends in s, it is generally considered proper to add the apostrophe and s after it. Therefore, it would be Canderous's.
"His mother did not want him to join Mandalore the Preserver because she feared that he would learn the truth about his fathers death." Who is Mandalore the Preserver? Context is needed. Possession is necessary (father's death), and what is the 'truth about his father's death'? Is there some secret conspiracy surrounding Canderous and Antus's father?
"There they gained the trust of the wookiees and Antus befriended a young wook by the name of Kreyyer." Wookiees is capitalized, and always spell out 'Wookiee'.
"When he turned fifthteen his mother became one with the force." Fifteen is spelled wrong. And don't use euphemisms, please. Just say she died.
"...invaded their village and took many of them captive including himself and Kreyyer." Put a comma after 'including'.
New Moon Corp.
Put all images in thumbnails, please.
"Tassek controlled a large amount of spice smuggling on Nal Hutta as well as New Moon Corp. to supply him with fresh slaves." This doesn't read smoothly. A better way to put it would be, 'In addition to controlling New Moon Corp., which provided him with slaves to work in his mine, Tassek was in charge of several spice smuggling rings on Nal Hutta.'
"...the ShadowStar." Italicize ShadowStar. Link to the article, if necessary.
Kreyyer's Life Debt
In the section header, 'life debt' is lower-cased.
In the quote, a comma, colon, or something is necessary between 'Kreyyer' and 'til'.
"After escaping Nal Hutta the pair docked at Nar Shada where they found work." You misspelled Nar Shaddaa.
"They were working for they exchange as smugglers." I assume you mean The Exchange, and, if that is the case, The Exchange is capitalized.
"They did smuggling runs from Nar Shada to Corelia and from Tatooine to Bespin." Misspelled Corellia.
"Antus and Kreyyer where taken by Jard to the Hutt who placed the bounty on his head." Whose head was the bounty placed on? Antus? Kreyyer? Jard? The Hutt? If it was Antus and Kreyyer, I believe you should replace 'his head' with 'their heads'.
"Once brought aboard the hutt's capital ship..." Hutt('s) is always capitalized.
"Antus summoned the force to escape and saved Kreyyer." Does this mean he summoned the strength to escape, or the literal Force? If it is the latter, capitalize it, please (note that I don't mark all the capitalization issues; I'll generally only mark the first few).
"They went to the bridge in order to shut off the trackter beam..." It's spelled 'tractor'.
What is a Wookiee life debt? Context.
Continue capitalizing proper nouns throughout.
Revelation is spelled incorrectly in the third sentence.
"Once he reached the academy he spoke to the jedi masters there about his visions and asked to be trained. At first they refused but jedi master Kel Varin agreed to take him as his padawan learner although he was already 23." Since it's a specific Jedi Temple, Academy should probably be capitalized. By the way, where is this Academy? The one on Dantooine is destroyed, and the one on Coruscant is abandoned (this is about about two decades after the First Jedi Purge, if I recall). Every instance of Jedi, Jedi Master, and Padawan should be capitalized. Explain who Kel Varin is. I should also like to point out that by this point there is no Jedi Order. The Jedi were destroyed by the Sith Triumvirate, and now only a few dozen Jedi are left, hiding throughout the galaxy. You might want to explain how they are all gathered together again so soon. Finally, age is not really a factor for taking Jedi Padawans until after the New Sith Wars.
"Kel found that training Antus was supprisingly easy." Surprisingly is PoV.
"First he needed two build a lightsaber." In this case, to indicates an infinitive verb, not a number. Therefore, it would be spelled 'to'.
"He sent Antus to Dantoonine in search of a crystal." It is spelled Dantooine.
"While there he discovered the ruined enclave and was encountered by more force ghost this time of the fallen jedi from the bombing of that world during the jedi civil war." There needs to be a conjunction of some sort between 'ghost' and 'this'. Also, I'd like to point out that before Qui-Gon Jinn, very few Jedi knew how to become Force ghosts, and the ability was most likely lost during the First Jedi Purge. Saying that, I doubt very many KoTOR Jedi could become ghosts, even some of the stronger ones.
"He fought and defeated the ghosts but was badly injured." Considering that they are 'luminous beings', and not made of 'crude matter', it would be impossible for a Force ghost to injure someone.
"Antus meditated on this and counceled with Kreyyer." The word you are looking for is 'counseled'. And where was Kreyyer? He seemed to have been abandoned for two years.
"The remains of New Moon Corp. tore itself apart but continued to function somewhat." Sounds too prose-y. It needs to be more literal and less metaphorical.
"Antus took advanteged of this and siezed control of the company." He 'took advantage' and 'seized control'.
How does one convert a slaving company into an arms company that produces twenty capital ships a year? Besides, at this point in time, if I recall correctly, the Republic navy was very centralized, and no one else would have access to large-scale space vessels. In addition, where did he get the recruits? How did he get the credits and supplies to build his super-army?
Encounter with the Wei
"Wei was under siege by their neighbors the deadly Kantels." Deadly is PoV.
"Also Sima and his aprentices the Weion disciples helped fight in Antus' war." It would read more smoothly as 'Sima and his apprentices, known as the Weion Disciples, helped fight during Antus's war.'
If Antus is a Jedi - even if he is a bad one - why would he go against the will of the Council? If the Council did not want to train Sima, then there must have been a reason. Since the Jedi Council usually keeps tabs on their Jedi in the field, one would assume that Antus would be condemned for training someone that didn't deserve to be trained. And in either case, you need to explain why they didn't want to train Sima. At this point, it sounds like they didn't want to train him because they were 'big meanies' and 'party-poopers'.
Mandalorian Civil War
"He launched a simultaneous attack on two key locations." You must specify why they are key locations, otherwise using 'key' is PoV.
"The second was Dxun, the Mandalorians had already long left this world but still had a working outpost that served as a communication hub for the entire system." Comma splice. Put a semicolon in between 'Dxun' and 'the', or make it a new sentence entirely. Also, you need to stress that the outpost is an automated outpost, otherwise this sentence presents a logical contradiction.
"The Mandalorians reacted by mobilizing 1/3 of their fleet to recapture Dxun." Why would they mobilize a-third of their - valuable - fleet to retake a world that was not theirs and lacked any purpose other than to power communications to a rather unimportant system?
"What the Mandalorians didn't know was that only a small army was sent to Dxun and the main fleet had attacked the planet of Goa which was a main source of fuel for the mandalorian fleet." Context and clarification. Which Mandalorians did not know about the attack? Both sides are Mandalorians, and it's difficult to tell which ones you're talking about. Also, contractions are frowned upon, spell out 'did not' instead. Finally, place a comma between 'Goa' and 'which'.
Battle of Goa
Place the image in a thumbnail.
In the quote, 'today' is one word. And sir is not capitalized.
"Taken by complete suprise and being completly out numbered they were overwhelmed and forced to retreat to the planet surface." You misspelled surprise and completely. Outnumbered is one word. Who was taken by surprise? You need to clarify. Was it Canderous's soldiers, or Antus's?
"Leading the invasion was the young Sima Yi who was already an experienced leader." Experienced is PoV.
"After capturing the planet's orbit Antus ordered Sima to invade the planet; However this was difficult because of Goa's rough terrain." You cannot 'capture' the planet's orbit, but you can 'maintain control' of it. However is lower-cased after the semicolon.
"Sima invaded the planet seven times and failed ultimately giving up on the ground assault." Why did he fail? Also, split up the sentence after 'ultimately' and introduce a new subject.
"The war had left mandalorian space ravished and the people wanted to see an end to the fighting. Riots broke out in the Mandalorian capital city and the Mandalore was killed. With no Mandalore they surrenderd and Antus won his war." You misspelled 'surrendered'. I don't think you meant to use the word 'ravished', as it doesn't quite work in this context. Why did riots break out in the opposing faction's worlds but not Antus's worlds? Does he feed his soldiers better? Is he more charismatic? Did he win more battles? Is he not as big of a tyrant? Also, just because the Mandalore dies does not mean that his faction would surrender; quite the contrary, the next-strongest Mandalorian would take the mask of Mandalore and continue the war. Please add some context.
Spell out 'twenty' in the first sentence.
How did Sima fall to the dark side? Context and background.
Why would Darth Sima not provide goods to Antus? Antus does not support the Jedi Council, as we saw earlier when he trained him.
Sith Lord is capitalized.
Who is Dak Solus? Context.
"The dark lord had escaped but Antus was slain." How did the Dark Lord escape? Why did he escape? Who killed Antus and why? Why did Dak survive? Massive contextual information needed.
Personality and Traits
In the section header, 'traits' is lower-cased.
Dak's section in the quote is a run-on sentence. Either split it up or smack a semicolon in there. Also, the comma goes before the conjunction in Antus's part of the quote.
"Antus was a bold but thoughtful leader, who never directly followed the ways of the council but never fell to the darkside." Bold and thoughtful is PoV. Just because you don't follow the Council (Dark Lady, Antilles, and Qui-Gon) does not mean you will immediately fall to the dark side (which is two words); this presents a logical problem. Also, the first and the second parts of the sentence are incoherent, they don't flow well together. Try splitting the sentences up.
"During the invasion of mandalorian space an enjoyment in war surfaced which forced him to question himself." Rewriting the sentence to say 'enjoyment of war' would make more sense. Where did this enjoyment surface? The sentence needs a direct object. Why would he question himself? He does not follow the Council, and he won't fall to the dark side, so why would he need to worry?
"Although his natrual lust for battle carried in his mandalorian blood he struggled with himself to be as faraway from combat as he can." It is spelled natural. And just because you're a Mandalorian, does not mean you enjoy war. It's the culture, not the blood, which inspires lust for battle. The 'Although' in the sentence doesn't make sense because there is nothing to contradict. Also, in this instance, 'far away' is two words. And in either case, the latter part of the sentence seems to contradict the biography. In the biography, he was constantly fighting; in fact, his life seemed to revolve around violence.
Not an acceptable P&T for a GA. It needs to be expanded and include more.
Talents and Abilities
In the section header, 'abilities' is lower-cased.
"In addition to being a natrual warrior, Antus was a skilled tactician and prefered to be leading a battle rather than fighting in it." Saying he was a 'natural warrior' is PoV. No one is a natural warrior. You have to be trained. Also, 'skilled' is PoV. Finally, you misspelled 'preferred'.
"This wasn't out of cowardice however but because he did not want to give in to his bloodlust." No one implied that serving as a strategist is cowardly. Thus, this presents a presupposition issue. The word 'blood lust' is usually written as two words. And using both 'however' and 'but' is redundant, use one or the other (preferably 'but').
"Influenced by this he studied the aspects of the force more than lightsaber combat. However this made equal to even the most skilled master in the force." Considering that he used two lightsabers in combat, I would presume he had some degree of skill with a lightsaber. This should be expanded upon. Also, the second sentence doesn't make much sense because it lacks a subject. In either case, saying that he is equal to 'the most skillful Force-user' among the Jedi is very Mary-Sue-ish and quite an outlandish claim, considering I saw nothing in the article to back it up.
Not an acceptable T&A section for a GA. It needs to be expanded upon and improved.
Behind the Scenes
In the section header, scenes is lower-cased.
Who is Cao Pi? What is the Dynasty Warriors series? A book trilogy? A collection of DVDs? A series of video games? What is Elder Scrolls? Who is Kvatch? What is the Twilight series?
Overall, this article needs some major work. The basic story and premise are quite interesting and the characters aren't badly written. However, saying that, I would not have even reviewed it all had I not been a bit bored. It has numerous spelling errors, grammatical errors (relating to punctuation, capitalization, syntax, and formatting), and it had several areas that made very little sense. If the author wants to get this up to GA status, he will take my review - and the review of others - very seriously, and will make corrections. For our sake, I would recommend running your articles through a spell-checker the next time you nominate an article. Also, please remember to hyperlink your other articles the first time they are mentioned in the introduction and the body of the article. Thank you. — JM76AskArchives 22:36, 9 June 2009 (UTC)